5 Romantic Valentine’s Day Restaurants to Take Velvety Dumps In

Valentine’s Day is for celebrating love, and what better way to celebrate than taking a dump that is as smooth and soft as your dress in the midst of a romantic and filling Valentine’s Day dinner. This year, embrace the romance with your valentine and find a restaurant as luxurious and sumptuous as the big soft dump you’re about to take in it.


The Rainbow Room

This New York landmark has maintained a reputation for its glamour and high status. While you and your loved one are toasting champagne and sampling caviar, don’t forget to treat your b-hole to a five-star toilet and enjoy a nice, smooth dump. After all, who wouldn’t want to let their colon evenly unload after gazing at the Manhattan skyline with the one they love. Let this dump be a Valentine to your butthole!



Blue Hill At Stone Barns

At Blue Hill’s farm-to-table restaurant, you can actually see the pigs they will cook for you, grazing outside, making it that much easier to imagine just how smooth your unprocessed dump will be in a few hours. Enjoy the savory cured pork belly paired with watermelon with your beloved, and in no time your farm-to-table experience will become your mouth-to-porcelain dump. Love is in the air!


The River Cafe

If you’re searching for a restaurant with a view, look no further than The River Cafe. Nestled in DUMBO, it’s the perfect place to view the historic Brooklyn Bridge with the man you love, knowing that the best things take time, including the digestion happening within you as you slowly sip your wine, before sexily sauntering to the powder room to take the smoothest, silkiest dump since last Valentine’s Day.



Nothing says, “Je t’aime” like French cuisine! Spend this Valentine’s Day in a charming French bistro and gaze into your loved one’s eyes over expensive cheeses and red wine until—mon dieu!—it’s time to slip into the bathroom and push out a buttery baguette. Bon appétit!



Kat & Theo

Mediterranean food is so wonderful because the spices used in each dish make for a delicate, supple dump, of which you will take at least two during the course of your meal. Try the smoky lamb with a rich dark glaze and your dump will no doubt have a slippery glaze to match! So romantic!



Valentine’s Day isn’t just about showing affection for your beloved; it’s also about appreciating your pink button. Whether you’re dining at a five-star restaurant or a hole-in-the-wall bistro, be sure to spend a portion of your time there taking an enormous, extravagant, imposing dump. You’ll feel more sensual than ever!