So what if your mother always regarded you as more of an incompetent coworker than a daughter? Lots of women are just as prickly as you are, and they’re out there just waiting for you to come out and say, “Greetings.” Your inability to have warm friendships with other women who are unable to have warm friendships shouldn’t hold you back from trying to have warm friendships with other women who are unable to have warm friendships with other women! Here’s how to make semi-meaningful connections with your dour, tight-lipped compatriots:
Avoid eye contact.
A true friend won’t pressure you into the unbearable activity of looking at another person’s eyes. While many so-called experts maintain that eye contact is a critical facilitator of human bonding, very little scientific research has been done on women named Anne with one cat and no smile. Show her you care about her comfort level by staring at the wall or ground during your dispassionate conversations. She’ll thank you! Or at least, she’ll mean to, but then she’ll feel weird about it and not say anything.
Offer to share your strange dairy snack with her.
Whether it’s kefir, noosa, or chunks of feta, all emotionally unavailable gals love atypical yogurt and cheese alternatives! The next time you pull out a tub of cashew cheez (because you place a high value on getting your protein from non-animal sources at least twice a week), give her a spoon. Just make sure she knows to sanitize it before giving it back to you.
Invite her to partake in your hobby.
You enjoy reading, knitting, CrossFit, walking your dog, making your own sourdough, tinkering with your 3-D printer, and distance running. These are mostly solitary activities, but can certainly accommodate two people who haven’t given or received a hug in over a year. Invite her to join you in your productivity nook for little tandem hobby time. Don’t stress her out by chatting or learning more about her—that sourdough won’t knead itself! Everybody politely wins!
Share lots of anecdotes about your overemotional friends.
If there’s anything that gives an introvert a rush, it’s stories about an emotional wreck of a person who can’t get their shit together. Your desired friend-target may or may not know this charity case personally, but she’ll love hearing your anecdotes regardless. It’s fun to revel in someone else’s ridiculous life-storm caused by their excessive feelings, since neither of you feel comfortable expressing them in any real way. Tell her about that stunt Rachel pulled at Shawn’s wedding, or the time Michelle told her whole office she had endometriosis, or that girl Dahlia who got together with her ex 14 times over one month. Then you both can let out a hearty, “Hmm”!
Never attempt a hug.
Just—don’t. No, no, no. Don’t. Handshakes are fine.
There you have it: the definitive guide to making friends with intimacy-averse women just like you. Good luck out there!
