Recently a bunch of people at my office switched over to standing desks. They claimed the desk were better for their backs and encouraged them to stay active and walk around throughout the day. All of this is great — except for the fact that my coworkers would not shut the fuck up about their stupid standing desks. Luckily, I found a way to get them to stop smugly telling me how life-changing these new desks were — I started using my very own standing toilet.
That shut them right the hell up.
Look, I get it – there are so many benefits to using a standing desk. Studies have shown that standing instead of sitting can lower your risk for obesity and certain cancers, extend your life and, of course, improve your posture. What these studies don’t tell you is that people who use standing desks literally will not shut the fuck up about them for one single second because they think they’re better than you but holy shit they will really shut the fuck up once they see you peeing into a standing toilet. Trust me, it works.
If you’re wondering what this looks like, it’s the same basic idea as a standing desk. You know, it’s like a regular toilet but higher so you stand when you use it and honestly, it’s a really nice break from sitting all the damn time.
Plus, who’s got better posture now, huh?!
Some of my coworkers have congratulated me on my invention. Others have said cruel things like “that’s just a urinal” and “you invented a urinal.” Then there are those who are upset and confused as to why my standing toilet has to be at my desk in the middle of our open-plan office space. Sometimes these haters get me down, but all that negativity fades away when I consider the fact that no one is talking about their goddamn standing desks anymore. They’re too busy talking about the big tall toilet that I had custom-made for this shared office space.
Sure, HR tried to make me take my standing toilet down. But when I reminded them that they approved everyone’s dumb standing desks, and that using this toilet will effectively increase my life expectancy by actual years, they shut up and let me do my thing. That’s right: I made HR shut the fuck up too. I’m on a roll.
Even though I invented my standing toilet as an elaborate ploy to get my pretentious coworkers to shut the fuck up about their desks, it really has changed my life. And, to be honest, I sort of can’t shut the fuck up about it.
Anyway, off to take a big standing shit in the middle of my office!