I Need to Know Who Bit Beyonce Because I Just Wanna Talk to Them

Tiffany Haddish recently spilled the scalding tea that the Queen B herself was bitten on the face by some lesser celebrity at her own house party. So of course, the internet is going insane with theories as to who could’ve been the perpetrator. I’ve been following along closely, because personally, I really need to know who had the fucking nerve to try and chew on Beyonce’s flawless face. Not because I’m gonna hurt them or anything, I just wanna talk to them!


According to reports, the culprit was inebriated and doing the mostest – but at a party with such a long guest list of stars known for getting drunk and being extra, it really could’ve been anyone. I just need to know who that anyone was, because I truly need to take a journey into the mindset of whoever thought it would be real fucking cute to get tipsy and sink their teeth into Beyonce’s perfectly angled cheekbone like a sloppy bulldog. Like, no drama or violence, I just wanna see where they’re coming from. I just wanna talk. Okay? Talk.


Now, part of me wants to sit back and let the Nancy Drews of the World Wide Web do their thing. But another part of me desperately needs to know right this very instant who this bold bitch with the goddamn audacity to even get close enough to Bey’s face to put her fucking musty-ass mouth on it was, so that I can sit down with her and peacefully try to hear her side of the story. Seriously, I’m not even mad, I just wanna have a few words with them. Just a few!!



I’m just curious, you know? I simply must pick the brain of the the celebrity who decided that biting Beyonce, of all people, was a fun party trick. Was that person going through something personally? Was she having some kind of negative drug side effect? Did she temporarily forget about the sheer breadth and loyalty of the Beyhive, which includes me? Whatever the case, I absolutely NEED to know the dusty urchin that nibbled on Bey’s porcelain visage and thought there’d be no repercussions. Not that the repercussions would be coming from me. Because, again, I just wanna have a little chat. Nothing crazy. Just a quick one-on-one to clear things up on what was going on in their head, cause, you know, this is important.


I guess all I’m saying is that it is imperative that I find out which bum-ass guttersnipe of a celebrity would have the unbridled fucking insolence to bite Beyonce. I’m not upset or anything, and of course I don’t mean them any harm whatsoever. I just want a name. I literally just wanna talk.