‘He’s Learned From His Mistakes,’ Says Woman Who Hasn’t

Last Thursday, 29-year old Riley Harper stated that her boyfriend has “learned from his mistakes,” proving once and for all that she herself has not. The astonishing statement came from Harper during lunch with a group of close friends just 14 hours after her most recent breakup with longtime boyfriend Andrew McLane.


Harper’s lunchtime announcement was met with responses that ranged from incredulity to unfettered disbelief.


“Seriously, what the fuck?” said Harper’s roommate, Tory Glenn. “Last night we were all out drinking and celebrating Riley’s decision to dump her lying, cheating, dipshit of a boyfriend for good, and today she says he’s changed? Once again, he has obviously not learned from his mistakes, and neither has she, clearly.”


Multiple sources confirm that Harper’s trifling-ass boyfriend has been cut off only to be forgiven shortly thereafter on multiple past occasions.


“Last month Riley asked Andrew to take her of her pet lizard while she was on a business trip,” said Harper’s friend Clarice Shaw. “Then Andrew forgot to feed him and he died! And he apologized by saying ‘I’m sorry, but on the bright side now you don’t own a lizard.’ I mean, what?!”


Harper allegedly ended things in response to the lizard incident, but took McLane back days later when she wanted someone to watch Twin Peaks with. When pressed by her friends on why she would forgive such a misstep, Harper cited the lizard murder as a mistake from which McLane learned an important lesson about responsibility and consequences.



“I know Andrew’s not perfect,” said Harper, correctly. “Sometimes he makes mistakes, but then he learns from those mistakes, and then sometimes makes similar mistakes and learns even more!”


“Hm, no,” say friends, who remain unconvinced.


“He’s always changing and growing from our relationship,” said Harper, who isn’t.


When reached for comment, McLane left us on read.