In a riveting and suspenseful story emerging from your bedroom-cum-office, sources confirm that your stash of edibles is currently too close to your desk for you not to take one.
“I don’t typically decide my edible usage based on physical proximity,” you told reporters gathered at the scene while visibly sweating with the effort not to take an edible. “But I got a new batch yesterday, and the container is kind of right next to me now. It’s making it pretty tough to not take one post haste.”
Sources confirm you originally did not notice the edibles right next to you, but the second you did, a ceaseless ringing began in your ears, much like Harry Potter when he gets too close to a horcrux. Now, you’re frozen staring at the container, wondering if 4pm is a reasonable time to take one or kind of a pathetic time to take one.
According to scientists, this is a more common phenomenon than one might think.
“When edibles are within a five-foot range of your working desk, it is statistically impossible to resist taking one at the end of a long day, in the middle of a particularly easy day, or at the beginning of a day that feels just okay,” said local researcher Brian McGregor while pouring some very legit-looking liquids into a few graduated cylinders. “Research has definitively found that the frequency of edible usage is proportional to one’s distance from the bag or jar.”
When approached to corroborate Brian’s research, a nearby scientist said, “What? That’s absolutely not true. Is that guy licensed? Wait, is he in a wig?” Upon being found out, Brian quickly cast his wig aside and bolted from the lab.
When reporters caught back up with you, you were still staring at the container of edibles and making audible bargains with yourself, such as, “If I take one now, I’m sure I’ll be sober by 10” and “Don’t the dangerous forays into the unknown make life worth living?”
After this long and arduous deliberation process, you decided the only reasonable thing to do would be to take one. In a dramatic twist, however, you sheepishly admitted to reporters that you had actually already taken one edible 30 minutes ago, and your dilemma, therefore, was whether to take a second, considering the first one wasn’t doing much.
Sources confirm you took a second edible and proceeded to get higher than you ever thought possible.
