As the saying goes, “once a cheater, always a cheater.” But could he be genetically predisposed to cheat? Maybe! If it sounds kind of exciting to put on your detective hat and go desecrate some family plots in the name of love, grab a shovel and try digging up his dead ancestor’s bones to find out if he’s genetically predisposed to ruining your life!
Obtain Copies of His Family Tree and Appropriate Death Records
The trick to asking for this without sounding suspect is to drop it casually into a conversation. Try this: “I’m so glad we can tell each other anything. For instance, I have no problem telling you that my great-great-great-great grandmother’s name was Florence Maywater née Berkshire, and she had three sisters named Charlotte, Maude and Annabelle, but Annabelle died tragically at the age of three after getting kicked in the head by a horse. What are the names of all your dead relatives, and how did they die, and hey, where are they buried anyway?” If he can’t answer these questions off the top of his head, it might be time to call it quits because he’s probably trying to hide something from you, just like he always does!
Get Digging
Now that you have presumably traced each family member back to his or her final resting place, now’s your chance to track down each one of those philandering sons of bitches and dig them the fuck up. You might want to give up. Grave digging and carefully extracting the skeletons of your boyfriend’s long-gone predecessors is hard work. But look, relationships are hard work, and you need to know who to blame!
Analyze Your Results
Maybe you’re like us and you didn’t feel like looking into exactly which genetic markers might be carried down from generation to cheating generation. That’s okay, because you know what? In matters of love, you have to listen to your gut. So take a long, hard look at this assemblage of bones and dirt and — hair? Is that a huge pile of hair? — before you. Do you feel like this person was a bit of a motherfucker? Someone who regularly stepped out to get some extramarital puss? If you’re gut is telling you “yes”, that’s the only “hard evidence” you need to know that your guy is just another victim of his low-down, cheating-ass genetics.
Sure, maybe your significant other hasn’t cheated on you yet (as far as you know!!), but the proof is in the dried-up skeletons of his family that you left scattered about the landscapes of no less than six graveyards across this great nation, isn’t it? Trust us. You’re doing the right thing!
