Cool Smart Liberal Guy Silent

As Donald Trump’s presidency threatens the foundations of democracy, self-proclaimed progressive Gavin Owens, a cool smart liberal guy, has remained startlingly silent on all social media, when talking to his racist grandparents, and unintentionally walking by protests.


Owens’ silence in the face of a borderline fascist regime contradicts years of liberal leanings. His favorite book, which he has carried in his back pocket on first dates for six years straight, is Henry David Thoreau’s Civil Disobedience. He’s been at the forefront of such noted liberal causes as marijuana legalization, describing himself as a feminist, and wearing mismatching socks because “fuck the system.” However, massive political organizing by his peers seems to have soured the liberal cause.


“I’m a progressive through and through,” Owens says. “I don’t need to speak up in order to prove that.”


Owens held to his position over the weekend, despite the fact that people were protesting at airports in response to an actual enacted threat to refugees, Muslims, and U.S. citizens.


In fact, Owens hasn’t hauled his Herschel backpack to any recent protests that have occurred in and around his Brooklyn neighborhood.


“I’ve seen the Snapchat videos, and all that chanting is groupthink,” he explains. “It’s just as bad as blindly following Trump.” However, his ex-girlfriends suspect that his disinterest is rooted in the fact that it is nearly impossible to protest ironically, and also that he has never read 1984, despite his insistence that others do.


“I always assumed he was a liberal because he liked hiking,” laments Mara White, whom Owens broke up with because she couldn’t attend one of his poetry readings. “But he hasn’t even posted to Facebook about the Affordable Care Act, which is where he gets his healthcare.”



“Social media doesn’t do anything,” Owens responds. “It’s an echo chamber.” This opinion hasn’t deterred him from promoting his SoundCloud four times in the past month.


At the end of the day, Owens will at least be able to feel proud that he stuck to his core belief: speaking earnestly about something when you’re not trying to get laid is lame.