Hey there, bread factory! Got a little problem down there? Just like bee stings, bug bites, and sleeping with cater waiters, yeast infections are a common summer bummer. If you’re sitting pretty on an overgrowth of Candida albicans, don’t go running for the pharmacy: Here’s a list of home remedies to inflict upon yourself before you give in and go to the emergency room:
1. Shove some yogurt up your snatch.
Did you overhear your coworker saying something about shoving yogurt up your snatch being good for yeast infections? Ever thought about it? You’re probably at home suffering and desperate for any relief. So go ahead. Shove some yogurt up your snatch. Go on, try it. It’s already in your fridge, why not put it in your snatch? Do it! Do it! Now that you have a snatch full of Light N’ Fit, do a cursory Google search: “shove yogurt up snatch yeast infection?” Yikes, looks like you should have used organic plain Greek yogurt and frozen it in the fingers of a glove to be neatly inserted at bedtime. Oops! Hope your gyno likes Key Lime!
2. Douche till you taste roses.
This one does involve the pharmacy, but rest-assured, it won’t work! Simply buy a few douche kits at Rite Aid, taking care to only buy the ones with Soviet-era designs on the package. Look for sad flower graphics, five blue parallel lines, and promises of “Make Yourself New Again!” Once you have your medically unsound old wives’ tale in tow, lock the bathroom door and douche away! You’ll further offset the delicate balance of vaginal flora and be worse off in no time!
3. Shame bath with salt.
You probably got a yeastie doing something fun, like rough sex or sitting around in a wet bathing suit. How about punishing yourself with a sad lil’ puddle-sit? Fill your never-washed bathtub with two inches of lukewarm water, grind four crunches of Trader Joe’s sea salt into the water and sit in the tub, grinding the coarse grains of salt against your buttocks. The entire lower half of your body will be the saddest it’s ever been. As you sit slumped over, wondering if that’s your roommate’s boyfriend’s jizz in the drain and if that could get you pregnant and how she’d feel about that, let the shame and bacteria wash over you. You’ll feel worse – inside and out!
4. Apple cider vinegar punishment.
When it comes to women’s health, western medicine just doesn’t cut it. You’re gonna have to bomb your own body with acid – the natural way. Take your roommate’s bottle of apple cider vinegar, dip a tampon into it, immediately wonder if that’s unsanitary, make a mental note to buy her another bottle, and stick that ‘pon up your v-hole. Then, scream. Scream and scream and scream. You were supposed to dilute that stuff with water first, but remember: irritating infected tissues is a surefire way to make the problem far worse.
5. Cripple yourself with garlic.
Women have used garlic for centuries to make their yeast infections worse. The bulb is known for its natural antibiotic properties, and many women prefer to cut the clove in half before insertion for extra injury. If you think about it, that yeastie is a little bit like a vampire: it’s feeding on your life force, making you walk around in confused circles in your nightgown. So make like Van Helsing and shove some garlic up in its face! Wait, did Van Helsing hold up garlic? No, it was a cross, right? Whatever, you’ve probably passed out from the unending waves of pain by now, which is good. Finally, some sleep!
6. Destroy your sheets with off-brand Monistat.
So you have a fever of 103 and your puss is swollen shut, and you’re wondering, “Is this normal?” Rest assured, that’s just your body’s way of saying, “This is getting so much worse!!” You deserve to cheat a little, so limp back to that Rite Aid and paw your way towards the vagina corner. Hold each box up to your face really close to make out what they say: pregnancy test, warming lube, breast pump, ah-HA! Got it: off-brand Monistat. Take that $7.49 package of pain home, don’t read the directions at all, glop it all over the floor, the bed, your jeans, realize you are in your roommate’s room wearing your roommate’s jeans, make a mental note to buy her some “I’m Sorry” wine, then repeat the process in your own room. This is a widely practiced way of making things worse.
Western medicine is not going to help you, but western religion just might. Lie prostrate in a pool of your own blood and mumble what you can remember of the Our Father. Then, decide that maybe your patriarchal God won’t “get” it, and try a Hail Mary. For good measure, drag your septic body across the living room to your roommate’s new Buddhist shrine and whisper yoga poses into Buddha’s belly. After that, try to remember anything Jewish from that one time you did Passover at Sarah’s house. Ummm… Abraham. Seder plate. Latke ball soup. Okay, it’s been a whole hour of praying. Any change? Oh, it’s worse? As bad as it could possibly be? Good. Now it’s time to call that ambulance.