This year I promised my mother-in-law I’d step up my kosher game by keeping Passover: the original gluten-free diet. So far, all I’ve done is shake the breadcrumbs out of all my bras, buy matzah, and rewatch The Prince of Egypt as a refresher course on why we do this. Who would have thought Val Kilmer as cartoon Moses would be so hot?
But it turns out, trying to rid the house of chametz — food product made from wheat and things that have leavened — is legit harder than building a pyramid. All this housework and shopping has me stressed out and, shall we say, unbalanced down in my Holy Lands. Because the ancient Israelites didn’t have enough time for the dough to rise when they fled Egypt, we have eight days of a feast without yeast. But what do I do about this eight-day yeast infection?
Am I a bad Jew?
Okay, fine: I didn’t change out of my bathing suit immediately after leaving Jenny’s hot tub on girl’s night, and now I am being cursed with the eleventh plague: vulvovaginal candidiasis.
Is Monistat kosher?
I’ve spoken to Rabbi Rabinowitz and he explains that most “K4P” products are made under the supervision of one of his fellow rabbis, but where does my fungal infection of the mucous membranes caused by the yeast candida fit in? When I asked him, “Why is this infection different from every other infection?” he asked me to leave his office so he could dry-heave.
Should I put a doily in my underwear?
We’re one year into this marriage (we got married last Tu B’Shvat) and I can’t afford to disappoint my mother-in-law — she will likely do irrevocable psychological damage on my future children, even more than I will. I just want to make her happy by showing her our home is properly Jewified. But what if she notices me scratching the shit out of my vulva with a shank bone?
Would going in a mikvah help? Does the fight between good and bad bacteria make a good parallel to the struggle between the Israelites and the Egyptians? Am I too old to look for the Afikoman?
All these Passover rules make me feel like the Simple Son, but with any luck, those cloves of garlic will make this yeast infection finally recline to the left.