If you’re anything like us, you are not yet over Dan despite him being a total asshole who left for the Peace Corps. But just because you’re not ready to date again doesn’t mean you shouldn’t start dating again! Here are a few first date ideas that will have you sobbing down memory lane and have him saying, “Are you okay?”
Taking in a flick is the perfect opportunity for you to unleash a deluge of liquid heartache. It’s dark and you’ll be facing the same direction, so he’ll never see the tears streaming down your sad, lonely cheeks. Best of all, it works for a wide variety of genres: Action movies are visually-stimulating enough to distract him from your unbridled meltdown, and any rom-com or foreign film will have him admiring how connected you are to the material. IMAX theaters’ reclining seats will allow your tears to slide down to your hair, where they’ll evaporate before he has the chance to ask, “Do you want some of my Sno-Caps?” and the theater is loud enough that he won’t hear you reply, “Dan used to clean the snow off my car.”
A Walk in the Park
Did suddenly having to find a new apartment put a strain on your finances? A park date is a great budget-friendly date idea. A walk in the park allows you wear sunglasses so he won’t see the mascara cascading down your face. If you get there early, you can search around the baseball diamonds and try to find the diamond ring you threw with all your might just last week. If he notices you’re crying, just blame it on seasonal allergies.
Go On A Roller Coaster
A theme park date is wonderful for bursting into tears! You can blame the force of the wind for making your eyes water, when in reality it just hurts to experience this hulking metaphor for your entire relationship with Dan. He won’t bat an eye when you sped the next hour “vomiting” in the handicapped bathroom. I miss Dan a lot.
You & Your Ex’s Favorite Bar
When your date suggests the cool craft beer place in your neighborhood, you’ll say “sure” before you have the chance to say, “That’s where I first touched Dan’s boner” as your old bartender hands you cocktail napkins to stifle the sobs. Sure, there’s the table you used to spend hours laughing at nothing, and there’s a mutual friend you haven’t seen since the breakup, and there’s the bathroom stall where he carved your initials in a heart, but you’re totally ready to go out with a less attractive, less interesting, unfamiliar new Dannn why won’t he pick up?
This one could go in two different directions. He could come home with you after the date for some impersonal, stilted intercourse, or you could never leave your bed to go on the date in the first place. Either way, your bed is a great place to burst into tears because it is absorbent. Dan Dan Dan Dan Dan. Dan. Pick up. Pick. Up. Dan.
At the end of the day, you can cry on a date anywhere you like! Bursting into tears is the mark of someone who is truly living in the moment. Show him how spontaneous you are by breaking down into uncontrollable sobs no matter where you are: the subway, the sidewalk, the middle of a speed-dating event. Also, how long do you wait to file a missing persons report? Five texts? Forty texts? A call from his mother to “move on?”