Alleviating tension is crucial when your doctor questions your sexual history, especially when he already had to test you twice last month. Avoid condescending “safe sex” talks with this useful guide in how to keep things light during your latest admission – that you had unprotected sex with a stranger in an alley after last week’s happy hour.
1. Pretend it was with a famous person.
Name a famous Ryan, George or Leo and your doctor is bound to understand! You’ll have him cracking jokes about said celeb while he tests your nether regions for famously contracted bacterial diseases.
2. Say it in the “Borat” voice.
Your doctor will be so busy judging your mildly offensive topical impression from 2006 that he’ll forget to chastise you for your lack of sexual precautions. “Yakshemash! I like! Very good STI tests.” The more you yuck it up, the less likely he is to expect responsible sexual behavior from you in the future.
3. Use Finger guns.
Short. To the point. Finger guns say it all. For better results add in “pew pew” sound effects. He’ll know immediately that his lectures will be wasted on you because you’re the type of person who has unprotected sex in an alley.
4. Say it in a fake cockney accent.
Nothing lightens the mood like adding “Cheerio Gov’na!” to the end of every sentence. The cockney accent allows you to ask the serious questions you may have about the bleeding, while maintaining a cheerful disposition.
5. Say it with a cake.
Order an expensive cake from your local bakery and tell your doctor it was left over from your office party. Your doctor will be too busy admiring the fondant work and thinking what an important and lucrative job you must have to think critically about your un-protected sex.
6. Don’t tell him at all!
Withholding information is a great way to seem cute and innocent. The power of silence should never be underestimated, especially when it comes to avoiding confrontation. When he asks you about the raised bumps covering half of your body, just smile and lift your arms in a coy “I have no idea” gesture, then leave the room with no explanation. He’ll get it.
The key to avoiding your doctor’s judgment is to act like there is nothing to be judged. Go to your next appointment with a carefree attitude and one of these tricks that says, “I barebacked, but it happens to the best of us.”