College is a time to surround yourself with like-minded, intelligent men to learn, grow, and eventually mate for life. But if you wasted your four precious undergraduate years having casual flings, making friends, or studying, there is only one solution: get back to one of the major universities below and find yourself a guy before it’s too late.
1. University of Michigan
The fields of this Ann Arbor campus are perfect for flirtatious snowball fights in the winter and picnics in the spring. Football games are the perfect place to showcase your personality and the professional plans that you’ll immediately abandon after the first child. The beautiful library is another romantic spot where you can pose and preen for a potential MBA candidate. Or, if you’re absolutely sure there aren’t any eligible men around, just read magazines.
2. Vanderbilt University
Nashville is Taylor Swift-level South but not quite not racist-level South, so you’re likely to find a true gentleman who will soon have an M.S. in Engineering. Vanderbilt is steeped in tradition, so snag yourself a legacy and get down to business: the business of birthing future VU Commodores!
3. University of California, Berkeley
If you happen to look like a supermodel, UCLA would be perfect for you. But if not, invest in a pair of Birkenstocks, start the compost heap and find yourself a nice environmental law student at Cal Berkeley.
Cornell is the best Ivy for husband-hunters, hands down. At Columbia, you’d have to compete with the rest of New York, Dartmouth men are Neanderthals, Brown guys aren’t looking to settle down, and UPenn is disgusting. Princeton, Harvard and Yale are fine options, of course, but they weirdly require a lot of studying to get into, which is a pretty ineffective way to meet a life partner. Cornell is the place for you: just the right mix of ambitious and preppy with a twinge of desperation.
5. University of Iowa
Great MFA program? Check. Midwestern manners and lots of creative talent? Check. There’s absolutely nothing else to do besides write all day, and date every everyone in your program? Check. This is also a great school to have a fling with a woman, which should also help you find a husband.
Literally any school in Canada will work for this: there are thousands of handsome Canadian med students just waiting for their green card ticket to the U.S. And he’ll probably get along with your parents.
If you didn’t make the marks to attend the schools listed above, maybe you should try state school, or a woodworking course. Whatever you do, don’t stop studying until you’re hitched. That’s what education is for.