Spring has finally sprung! But how do you make sure your Cuffing Season beau doesn’t get sprung in another direction now that all those other barelegged women will be roaming the streets? Use these helpful tips to lock down your seasonal lover through the summer!
1. Lose your winter pounds first, and make sure to point it out to him.
Your dynamic will completely shift to make him the flabby, needy one. He won’t be inclined to look elsewhere when he’s busy thinking about how his sad gut and how he risks losing you at any moment. Throw in a comment about how weird it is that the guys at work have been complimenting your shirts.
2. “Accidentally” set up a joint checking account.
Misplace your debit card, and borrow his to do his laundry. Set up a quick meeting at the bank with a friend who looks like him, his driver’s license, and social security number. He’s yours for as long as it takes the bank takes to rectify the issue (at least until Thanksgiving!).
3. Come down with a terminal disease.
A non-terminal disease will also work, as long as you’re bedridden for several months. His conscience will keep him by your side at the hospital and away from all those poolside hotties!
4. Get pregnant.
This is the most surefire tactic but should only be used if you’re certain you want to keep him around another nine months.
5. Send computer-generated pictures of your unborn child to his mother.
Her Grandma Fever will do the work for you, and inevitably guilt him through sticking with you at least through Labor Day.
Use any one of these tactics to stay one step ahead of Mother Nature, and your man’s fickle pickle. You’ll feel so empowered, you’ll be able to dump him for some one better by the 4th of July!