It’s a tale as old as time: Boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, girl discovers boy’s pet ferret and is rightfully grossed-the-fuck-out. But don’t worry! Your boyfriend’s unsanitary possession of a rodent named Shrek does not have to be a deal breaker. Just follow these simple steps and you and your boy can continue your love story in a ferret-free existence.
Play it cool.
Throw your boyfriend off your tracks by being super chill about the whole “indoor rodent” thing. Pretend his apartment doesn’t smell like literal shit, don’t curse when you trip over its toys, and even pet the overgrown rat once in a while. Say things like, “Who would ever make these lil’ guys illegal?” Just no nose kisses; they are vectors of disease and have huge teeth.
Wait for a night when your boyfriend is staying at your place. After he falls asleep, fill your side of the bed with a body pillow wearing a wig. Take his keys and hail a cab to his place. Once you’ve gotten inside, trash the entire apartment and remove all the valuables. Find someone on the street to help you with this. Remove the ferret and drop him off at a shelter or one of those abandoned baby dropboxes — duh, you’re not a monster!) Return to your apartment, apply a little blush and mascara, and crawl back into bed.
As soon as your boyfriend discovers the robbery, cry and say, “Thank God we weren’t there, but if we were, I know you’ve would’ve protected me.” This will make him feel strong and perhaps make him forget about his missing hellbeast. When the police say there was no forced entry, pretend to have a grief-related fainting spell. It will distract him and bring out his savior complex.
When you come to, tell your boyfriend that the TV and computer are replaceable, but nothing will ever replace Shrek, so why even try? Don’t break when he says the computer was the only place he had pictures left of his dead grandmother. Ferrets are nasty trash and should only be owned by trashy nine-year-olds with rattails. Do. Not. Break.
Double-down on the benefits.
Suggest that since he’s replacing his valuables, you might as well get new clothes, too. He’ll look so much better in shirts that aren’t from the discount rack at Costco and haven’t served as nest beds for an animal that should live outside.
Fill up his iPod with all your favorite Diplo songs. He might resist at first, but you deserve a ferret-free boyfriend who knows about Diplo.
While you’re at it, change everything about him until he is no longer recognizable as a human being. Ferrets are a state of mind, and you must cleanse him until he’s free of it.
Statistically speaking, you’ll probably break up at some point. If the heartache becomes too much to bear, you can always get a pet. May we recommend a ferret? Someone keeps dropping them off