Do your duties as a mother mean letting your healthy, sexual proclivities fall by the wayside? Yep! Now that you’re three kids deep, it’s time to start wearing the sweaters that will put the nail in the coffin of your sexual viability. Stop wasting your thoughts on sex and cover up that figure with these bafflingly un-suggestive sweaters that shout to the world, “I’m in the PTA now! My orgasms are a distant memory.”
The “Christmas All Year” – We’ve all been to ugly sweater parties, but try throwing one all year long! Don’t even call it a party – call it “Wednesday” and go about your business. You’ll turn men’s heads – away from you! The jingling bells hot-glued to your shoulders will alert the dads at student pick-up that your vagina has gone the way of the appendix: vestigial! Your tender, mild children were the product of sex, but toss this puppy on and you’ll be living out the rest of your days like the mother of Christ: untouched.
The “Family Memories” – Fresh from summer break’s Mall of America vacation, this heavy cotton piece showcases an airbrushed caricature of you horseback riding! Display your family pride while you mask your curves with this beige beauty. You may never have actually ridden a horse, but it’s more believable than a man at this point. The enormous eyes of your caricature say, “I see only my offspring! I’m a fraction of a person!” Funny business: averted.
The “Summer Camp Mystery” – None of your kids actually attended “Lake Roananka Sleep Away,” but this sweater found its way into the garage, so why throw out a perfectly good sweater? It’s so covered in stains it seems like one continuous black mark that no one wants to talk about – just like your brief sexual history! Sport this sweater and you tell the world, “I’m lactose intolerant, but sometimes I sneak a little brie if I’m feelin’ naughty.”
The “Pumpkin Sweater Vest” – If you wear this sweater vest, you’ll resemble a pumpkin. No one wants to fuck a pumpkin. Easy as that! Celebrated by crafty great-aunts everywhere, the pumpkin vest shows that your libido is officially in neutral, and your skilled hands are being used for more important things, now. You’re like a glass of milk! This piece practically screams, “My kids come first! My husband comes never!”
Slip on any one of these sensible outfits, and help send your vagina down the path to respectable, motherly atrophy. Because you’re not a woman – you’re a Mom!