Study Finds Women’s Lives May Be Improved By Eating Big Yummy Sandwiches

A groundbreaking new study out of the University of Texas at Austin indicates that women’s lives may be improved by eating big, yummy sandwiches.


“There are myriad societal, systemic factors that — in differing manners depending on the intersections of identity of the individual — affect women’s quality of life,” explains Dr. Takeyah Leonard. “However, we found a universal truth in discovering a positive correlation between general wellbeing and increased intake of huge, very delicious sandwiches.”


The complete report from Dr. Leonard and her team comprises an exhaustive account of the positive effects of tasty sandwich eating, the comprehensiveness of which is sure to delight any student of science or lover of comprehensiveness.


“As soon as we gave our test subjects big yummy sandwiches, we were bombarded with raw information ripe for observation and interpretation,” Dr. Leonard says.



The recorded reactions included but were not limited to subjects closing their eyes and releasing non-verbal sounds of satisfaction, nodding their heads at the taste of the yummy sandwich, and, when prompted with the question, “How do you like that sandwich?” giving a chilled-out yet decisive thumbs-up while still chewing.


“It was clear from these responses that the test subjects were experiencing joy while eating the good-tasting sandwiches that were large in size and absolutely loaded, also,” says Dr. Leonard. “And introducing pockets of joy to your life improves it, so, there you have it.”


The results of the study, while fascinating on their own, are sure to spark a wider discussion about what can be gleaned from the common qualities of those who enjoy yummy sandwiches, and whether the sandwiches themselves are responsible for the recorded improvement in life quality, or simply an indicative detail of the circumstances conducive to happiness.


“It’s more than a correlation in my opinion,” says Dr. Leonard. “There’s direct causation in eating the big sandwiches that are good and delicious. Put chips in there. Put in cornichon.”


There you have it.