I’m always looking for new workout regimens to keep my body in peak condition. And trust me, if there’s a celebrity workout, I’ve tried it! So when I heard 83-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has a special workout that she uses to keep kicking ass, taking names, and sitting on a bench, I thought, “I’ll have what she’s having!”
But after a month trying the RBG Workout, I can firmly report that the results are not what I expected. In fact, my body is now just a giant, fancy collar.
When I started the RBG workout regimen, I was excited for toned arms and legs, leaner muscle, and greater stamina. That’s what I thought would happen with a few daily reps of squats, pushups, and sideways planks. And I was super impressed, because I definitely felt instant results. What I didn’t realize was that the instant results were my arms and legs slowly morphing into one big, white neck doily.
I thought the fancy collar thing was maybe just a transitional physique between my old body and my new lean, mean, patriarchy-fighting machine. But as I continued the RBG workout, my body only morphed into a more elaborate neck ornament, with new fancy details appearing every day. What started as a simple, human-sized handkerchief has become an ornate, whimsical statement piece, rife with cutouts, beading, and even a monogram. When I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t believe the transformation, even if it wasn’t the transformation I was hoping for at all!
There have been a few downsides to my new body. My coworkers spend a lot more time voicing their opinions about my giant, ruffled upper half, and a lot less time listening to my substantive ideas. Plus, my friends and family barely recognize me. My best friend Stacy tried to put me in her dry-cleaning bag, and my mom gave me as a gift to my Great-Grandma Esther.
But I’m also learning to love the new me. I feel refreshed. I feel feminine. I feel powerful–like I could hang off of the neck of a dainty doctor, or dainty lawyer, or maybe even a dainty female president one day.
Until then, you can find me at the gym, toning my ruffles and tightening my scalloped edges. Thanks, RBG!