I Tried the RBG Workout, and Now My Body Is One Giant Fancy Collar

I’m always looking for new workout regimens to keep my body in peak condition. And trust me, if there’s a celebrity workout, I’ve tried it! So when I heard 83-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has a special workout that she uses to keep kicking ass, taking names, and sitting on a bench, I thought, “I’ll have what she’s having!”

 

But after a month trying the RBG Workout, I can firmly report that the results are not what I expected. In fact, my body is now just a giant, fancy collar.

 

When I started the RBG workout regimen, I was excited for toned arms and legs, leaner muscle, and greater stamina. That’s what I thought would happen with a few daily reps of squats, pushups, and sideways planks. And I was super impressed, because I definitely felt instant results. What I didn’t realize was that the instant results were my arms and legs slowly morphing into one big, white neck doily.

 

I thought the fancy collar thing was maybe just a transitional physique between my old body and my new lean, mean, patriarchy-fighting machine. But as I continued the RBG workout, my body only morphed into a more elaborate neck ornament, with new fancy details appearing every day. What started as a simple, human-sized handkerchief has become an ornate, whimsical statement piece, rife with cutouts, beading, and even a monogram. When I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t believe the transformation, even if it wasn’t the transformation I was hoping for at all!

 

 

There have been a few downsides to my new body. My coworkers spend a lot more time voicing their opinions about my giant, ruffled upper half, and a lot less time listening to my substantive ideas. Plus, my friends and family barely recognize me. My best friend Stacy tried to put me in her dry-cleaning bag, and my mom gave me as a gift to my Great-Grandma Esther.

 

But I’m also learning to love the new me. I feel refreshed. I feel feminine. I feel powerful–like I could hang off of the neck of a dainty doctor, or dainty lawyer, or maybe even a dainty female president one day.

 

Until then, you can find me at the gym, toning my ruffles and tightening my scalloped edges. Thanks, RBG!

COMMENTS

view all comments hide comments

Comments are closed.