At Your Age, Your Parents Already Had Kids. Here’s Why They Shouldn’t Have.

As a twenty-something in the modern age, it’s hard not to feel like you’re falling behind. After all, your mom was married by 20, pregnant by 21, a homeowner by 22, evading taxes by 23, audited at 24, and pregnant again at 25. You’re still on their insurance, but by your age, your parents already had several kids. Here’s why they shouldn’t have:


They’d have enough money to travel.

Having children takes money! Money your parents otherwise could have spent on several luxurious vacations to the Balkans. We’re talking Montenegro, Kosovo – the big ones. They could have been strolling through the Bay of Kotor, contemplating the nature of life deep in the depths of Lipa Cave. Instead, they were stuck in your kindergarten recital of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat, watching your triumphant turn as the Burning Bush. Probably didn’t think that one through.


They could’ve seen so much television.

TV in the 90s? Probably the best that TV has ever been. It was the golden era of Frasier, Seinfeld, that show where you see how long contestants can last in a vat of bugs. Think of all the shows they could’ve seen had they not been so focused on “feeding you” and “clothing you” and “bathing you.” They would’ve had more time for the important things in life, like watching every Robert DeNiro film on VHS and appreciating Blockbuster while it lasted.


They could’ve been the kind of fun intellectuals that have people over for dinner.

Sure, having kids is its own kind of accomplishment, but imagine: instead, your parents are the type of people to constantly entertain their intellectual friends and form a collective of artists/philosophers who smoke too much and drink too much and alter the course of history. We’re talking the Virginia Woolfs, the Kerouacs – all of them, and then also your dad. In this alternate universe, none of them have seen Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. None of them know what a binky is. All is well. All is right.



They probably weren’t ready.

In retrospect, is anyone really ready to have kids that young? 21 is a time to be selfish! To chase your own dreams, evade your own taxes! And your existence robbed your parents of all of that, except evading taxes, which as mentioned, your mom did manage to do, But still.


Your parents love you, but there is no doubt they would have had happier, fuller lives if they hadn’t popped you out at such a tender young age. So just know that, and maybe apologize to them sometime. At the very least, have a kid or two now so they can enjoy grandparenthood.