Early reports are indicating that thing you love? Yeah, it’s actually bad.
“We looked into it, and quickly confirmed that a vast majority of the things you love are, in fact, bad,” says an expert. “We did find that your dog Kiki isn’t bad per se, but the whole system of dog ownership and domestication you’ve bought into is terrible if you really get down into it.”
But the findings didn’t stop with all the bad things you currently love. It turns out your whole personal history is a series of loving bad things.
“That comedy you loved when you were 13? It’s actually obscenely racist, sexist, and transphobic,” our expert says. “But you didn’t seem to realize that when you watched it five times in eighth grade, so that’s probably all just inside of you on some level now and that’s definitely bad.”
“Actually, pretty much every movie you’ve ever loved is bad, or created by someone bad, or starring someone bad” they continue. “Also that vegan meat substitute you’ve been eating so much of? We just found out there’s something weird about it. Like, maybe not terrible, but still, it’s bad.”
“And that song you love?” they add. “Oh, God. Go really listen to the lyrics, you’ll see.”
Coffee and every other purchasable commodity you love was described as “obviously bad” and simply saying, “There’s no ethical consumption under capitalism” was found to be “so bad” as well, so don’t even try it.
That office chair you found on the curb is fine, but your dog is worse than we initially thought.