Hey, Shannon and Sarah! No, wait. You’re Ashley and Trish. Sorry. I’ve been so “off” ever since that yacht mowed me down.
Don’t get upset; I’m okay, really! I know you’re Ashley. Shannon is much taller than you. And according to this helpful chart you guys made me, I used to live with her. Sorry to make it supes awk in here with my TBI. My last memory is of someone who now claims to be my boyfriend screaming, “NICOLE, DON’T PADDLE CLOSER TO THAT SEAGULL! THAT FAST-MOVING YACHT WILL CRUSH YOU.” What’s his name, Regis or something?
Anyway, let’s get back to talking shit about Tara. We were talking about how she just dyed her hair red, which is the same color as strawberries and yacht flags. You said she “looked like the last place finisher at a Julianne Moore lookalike contest.” Then Ashley said, “More like Julianne Less.” Both of you laughed. I also laughed, but only because I understand that is an expression of perceived humor. Wait, we are still mad at Tara, right? For something?
Okay. I know you guys are really upset about what happened to me after the accident, but I promise, I’m really the same old catty bitch I’ve always been. I’ve had to relearn the meaning of facial expressions, and Trish’s face definitely looks like she’s concerned that I’m no longer fun to be catty with because I can’t smell, feel, or remember anything right now. Well turn that frown in the direction that makes it a smile (sideways?), cuz it’s time to shit-talk our favorite hot goss target, Tara! Right? It’s still Tara?
Look, I get why you’re all wanting to focus on me and my recovery, but I can assure you I’m ready to jump right back into our feuds. Sure, basic cognitive and motor tasks are challenging for me, but I really need to know what Tara’s been wearing! Someone please confirm, are we still not talking to Tara? Does she still always drop her phone in the toilet when she’s drunk? Did she and that hot dog vendor get back together?
What does “She died in that same yacht accident” mean?