Sometimes you and a friend just want to have some super-casual sex. Unfortunately, even casual sex can feel a little too relationshippy and definitely not casual. In order to make the casual sex you’re having even more casual, here’s some tips to “Up The Casual™” on the already very casual sex you’re having casually.
1. Wear A Hawaiian Shirt And A Loose Tie: Take the “Friday at the Office” approach to sex. This outfit screams, “I came here to work (sex) but I’m real laid back about the work I’m doing (sex I’m doing)”. Your partner will take one look at you and know that this has to be done by 5PM because you don’t want to get stuck in rush hour; but if you do, it’s chill. No big.
2. Use Impersonal Nicknames: Using each other’s names during sex is way too formal. What’s more casual than giving a nickname to your sex buddy? Try phrases such as “Oh yeah fuck me just like that, Broseph!”, “Yo Ace, give it to me!” “I love it when you fill me up like that, Chiefarooni!”.
3. Give Sex A More Informal Name: The word ‘sex’ implies ‘intercourse,’ which is a very clinical word. Too science! You need to stay as far away from the word ‘intercourse’ as you can to have truly casual sex. A great way to do that is to call sex “corking.” Is “corking” sexy? Not even – but it sure is casual! Want to go expert-level casual? Drop the “g”. Corkin’! If “corkin’” doesn’t do it for you, come up with your own term! Be a casual sex Shakespeare! Have fun with it! I just thought of another one! “Pluggin’!” All right!
4. Do Not Contact Them In Any Way: In order to normal casual sex, maybe you’d send a text or Facebook message to your pluggin’ bud as a prompt to get them to come over. Whoa! Slow down there, Senorita Trabajo Duro! That’s all communication nonsense that requires work and work is the sworn enemy of casual. Instead, do nothing and just hope they show up. Now that’s casual.
5. Have Your Limbic System Removed: The limbic system is a set of brain structures that controls emotion, among other things. Dip into your rainy day fund and spring for a lobotomy that will remove any chance of you forming an emotional attachment to a corkin’ partner ever again. Will you lose the ability to process smells or behave appropriately in public? Yes, you definitely, definitely will; but it’ll be worth it when you never have to worry about forming any sort of bond with the person you just bloop’d (another informal term I just came up with!).
Put these tips to work and your sex will be as casual as a retired fisherman with no family obligations and it’s summer and also his boat is completely paid off!