How to Dial Up Your Fall Look Until It Seriously Fucking Explodes

Summer’s over—time to ditch those sandals, skirts and those cutoff jeans that are way too young for you, anyway. Fall fashion is the Kentucky Derby of sartorial pageantry, so bone up on these five big trends to dial up that fall look until it seriously. Fucking. Explodes.

FallLook1Sweater Coats
“Coatigan?”
Make your fall look POP like a round from an illegally bought semi-automatic with this on-trend-as-fuck look. Is it a coat? Is it a cardigan? Who gives a shit! This one’s knit from the fur of the soon-to-be extinct South American vicuna and its soft touchability is ri-goddamn-dicul-liculous. Pair with work boots.

FallLook2Menswear
Get butch!
Think you can’t appropriate the masculine elegance of your married lover’s closet without sacrificing that hard-earned feminine appeal? Think again, bitch. Menswear for fall is all ABOUT combining masculine details with feminine whimsy. You’ll know you’ve got that shit figured out when you look like a sexy French clown tripping on some amazing fucking Mazatapec mushrooms in an imaginary couture poppy field.

FallLook3Knit Beret
Berets are definitely a Gerard Depar-DO.
Hats are a classic fashion strategy for adding a shot of formality and elegance to any ensemble, so yeah; maybe consider getting your fucking shit together and purchasing some variety of chic beret. Bonus points for anything with a fun pom-pom!

FallLook4Military Inspired Jacket
Anyone on the bathroom line wanna fuck with this?
If you really want to look chic this fall, it’s time to get with the fucking program — the program of a violently sadistic military regime! Fashion’s #1 staple is a well-tailored topper with wide shoulders, vintage buttons and other bullshit that couldn’t look more authentically militaristic if you pulled it off the bullet-riddled corpse of a German mercenary. Goes great with cute tights and ankle booties.

FallLook5Cowl Knit Sweaters
Jesus CHRIST, that’s cozy!
Chilly? Three words, asshole: Chunky. Fucking. Knits. Why the fuck would you think about wearing anything else? The fuck is wrong with you?

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