Did you know that your mother thinks all your eggs will dry up by the time you’re 30? You do now, because she just said that to you over the phone, unprompted. Thank god you have a glass of wine in your hand. That wonderful fermented grape product is great for any occasion, but it’s perfect for dealing with your listening to your mother’s unsolicited opinions. Here are some great wine pairings to decompress from any mom-related attacks:
Pinot Noir
Rich but light, a nice pinot noir will go great with your dull anger over her need to mention your haircut without complimenting it in the least. Throw some soft cheeses into the mix, unless you’re insecure about your weight because she sure mentioned that, too. Like, you were talking about dental appointments. You know what, you are going to need that cheese. And all the wine.
Chardonnay
Made from a more neutral grape that develops flavor from local growing conditions, Chardonnay is a versatile choice for a white. This wine says “sensible,” without then adding, “like Brian. Whatever happened to him? He was so nice and he kept you grounded.” Serve with seasonal fruits and your own intense desire to bring home a college dropout just to make your mother feel uncomfortable.
Pinot Grigio
Known for its bright, citrus flavor this choice is perfect for light dinners, picnics, and any time your mother starts a sentence with, “You know Jenny’s daughter, Angela…” It’s robust and perfect for forgetting that apparently you were supposed to be a lawyer by now. Enjoy the full-bodied flavors alone on your bathroom floor. Oh god, and remember never to describe anything as full-bodied around your mother. She’ll have a field day with that one.
Cabernet Sauvignon
From France to California, these grapes are some of the most common and versatile in the world. You’ll marvel at their high-tannins and noticeable acidity. Maybe not as noticeable as her acidity when she again refers to you as her “unwed” daughter. But still, very noticeable. Enjoy while she raises her eyebrows at your outfit throughout your sister’s baby shower and says she would’ve gone in on a gift with you if she knew you were going to make your own.
Merlot
Velvety, lush, impatient, judgmental – sorry. I meant to describe grapes and jumped right into talking about her again. But, you know, maybe the two aren’t so different. Both are often celebrated, even though they’re bitter and unimaginatively traditional. Pair with red meat and your urge to remind her that you’re the only child that picks up when she calls.
Rosé
You know what her problem is? She never went for it. She never followed her dreams and she regrets it. So every time she calls, she takes it out on you. It’s ugly and you don’t need it. Rosé goes great with being a semi-employed, freelance photographer who’s now eating Doritos on her fire escape because she doesn’t want to show up too early or hungry for her mother’s birthday dinner.
Wine is sumptuous pleasure meant to be enjoyed and shared. If that means sharing it with a woman who sees your not wearing lipstick as a possible suicidal tendency, that’s fine. The point is wine is great, and so are you. You hear that, Mom? I’m doing great!
