QUIZ: Are Your Boobs Bigger Because You’re PMS-ing or Did the Blood Sacrifice Finally Work?

News

Relationship Entering Stage Where Couple Mostly Proofreads Each Other’s Emails

Sources confirm 60% of their texts are some variation of, “Can you read this and tell me if I sound crazy?”

Thoughts

How I Save Hundreds on Exfoliants by Fucking Hairy Guys

No more loofah! Just Greg!

News

‘Why Am I So Anxious All the Time?’ Asks Woman With 17 Unpaid Medical Bills

“Maybe I should try ketamine?”

Love and Sex

How to Suck Dick So Hard You Inhale It Like Kirby and Wield All of Its Power

He’s probably going to hate this process, but it’s honestly not about him.

News

When It Comes to Fight or Flight, These Peace-Loving Emperor Penguins Are Fucked

“Come on, fight back!” shouted one researcher, while absolutely wailing on one penguin with his fists.

Dude Corner Thoughts

DUDE CORNER: I Don’t Have Any STIs Because I’ve Never Been Tested

I’m so beyond getting tested that all my buddies call me “fire crotch.”

News

Scientists Confirm Now Is the Time to Start Thinking of a Halloween Costume or It’ll Be Too Late

If you haven’t decided on a Halloween costume by the time you’re done reading this, there is a 95% chance you’re going to be stuck going as something dumb.

Living

How to Be Sexy Even Though You Never Flip Your Spoon Upside Down to Lick It

Have him saying, “Even though you lick your spoon the normal way – like the concave side up – I still feel attracted to you in this moment!”

News

REPORT: Roommate Who Bakes Is Atlas Carrying Weight of Apartment’s Mental Health

The baking roommate does not want to be responsible for the apartment’s mental health, but it is thrust upon them.

Thoughts

Why I Define My Success by How Many Beauty Services I Can Afford

It’s much more fun to measure productivity by vampire facials and tans.

Living

‘It’s Actually Good You Didn’t Call,’ Says Grandma Playing Hard to Get

“What the fuck is going on? Who taught my grandma about negging?”

News

‘Aw, Our First Fight!’ Says Man Unaware This Is Their 7th Fight

This topic then became their eighth fight, or as Mike would call it, their second.

I Lived it: Thoughts

I LIVED IT: I Brought Lunch so I Had to Eat the Lunch I Brought

I thought bringing lunch would be just like buying lunch, only cheaper. Little did I know, it actually sucks ass.

News

‘I Am So Sorry That You Found Out About What I Did,’ Says Celebrity in Tearful Apology Video

“I never thought this would become big enough news for me to address it publicly, and for that I am so, so sorry.”

Love and Sex

QUIZ: Is He Your ‘Darcy’ or Just Mean to You?

In what context did he flex his hand?

News

Woman Dies Bloody, Agonizing Death After Ingesting 1.5x Daily Recommended Calcium

The autopsy shows Sadie was functionally strangled, stabbed, and shot from the inside by the extra calcium.

Thoughts

Why I’m Glad Lauren Boebert Was at That Beetlejuice Performance Because No One Noticed Me Taking a Shit in the Aisle

Thank you so much, congresswoman!

News

Squatty Potty Unveils New High-Fiber Diet Because Maybe That’s Your Problem

Squatty Potty’s new diet recommends “eating more beans” and “maybe chugging a coffee or something?”

Thoughts

Why I Don’t Believe in Astrology Unless It Reaffirms Something I Already Thought

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Living

How to Keep First Dates Cheap and Low-Pressure by Bailing on Them Last Minute

Make sure to bail at the very last minute, though, or else your date might actually believe your excuse and try to reschedule.

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RECENT POSTS

QUIZ: Are Your Boobs Bigger Because You’re PMS-ing or Did the Blood Sacrifice Finally Work?

Relationship Entering Stage Where Couple Mostly Proofreads Each Other’s Emails

How I Save Hundreds on Exfoliants by Fucking Hairy Guys

‘Why Am I So Anxious All the Time?’ Asks Woman With 17 Unpaid Medical Bills

How to Suck Dick So Hard You Inhale It Like Kirby and Wield All of Its Power

When It Comes to Fight or Flight, These Peace-Loving Emperor Penguins Are Fucked

DUDE CORNER: I Don’t Have Any STIs Because I’ve Never Been Tested

Scientists Confirm Now Is the Time to Start Thinking of a Halloween Costume or It’ll Be Too Late

How to Be Sexy Even Though You Never Flip Your Spoon Upside Down to Lick It

REPORT: Roommate Who Bakes Is Atlas Carrying Weight of Apartment’s Mental Health

Why I Define My Success by How Many Beauty Services I Can Afford

‘It’s Actually Good You Didn’t Call,’ Says Grandma Playing Hard to Get

‘Aw, Our First Fight!’ Says Man Unaware This Is Their 7th Fight

I LIVED IT: I Brought Lunch so I Had to Eat the Lunch I Brought

‘I Am So Sorry That You Found Out About What I Did,’ Says Celebrity in Tearful Apology Video

QUIZ: Is He Your ‘Darcy’ or Just Mean to You?

Woman Dies Bloody, Agonizing Death After Ingesting 1.5x Daily Recommended Calcium

Why I’m Glad Lauren Boebert Was at That Beetlejuice Performance Because No One Noticed Me Taking a Shit in the Aisle

Squatty Potty Unveils New High-Fiber Diet Because Maybe That’s Your Problem

Why I Don’t Believe in Astrology Unless It Reaffirms Something I Already Thought

How to Keep First Dates Cheap and Low-Pressure by Bailing on Them Last Minute