Squatty Potty’s groundbreaking technology has made it easier than ever to empty your bowels. However, the company has taken it one step further with their latest product: a high-fiber diet. Representatives for Squatty Potty say their latest offering is the natural next step in your defecation journey and “probably what you should’ve done in the first place.”
One fecal researcher described this latest toilet technology as “revolutionary,” adding, “wait, don’t quote me on that, I said that sarcastically and it’s not going to translate well in print.” The researcher then panicked a bit about how they were coming across and added a few more clarifying statements regarding Squatty Potty’s latest invention, claiming that it’s “common knowledge,” “very obvious,” and “not patentable in any way.”
In spite of the alleged “obviousness” of their product, Squatty Potty representatives said they felt they owed it to their customers to branch out from toilet posture to nutritional recommendations.
“I mean, the people who buy our products are usually going through it,” said Squatty Potty executive, Mae King. “We toyed with the idea of a Squatty Potty that makes people’s knees go, like, even higher, but at the end of the day we felt like that wasn’t enough.”
She continued, “So then we thought, ‘What if these people don’t realize that their diet could be to blame for their sub-par bowel movements, not just their colon position?’ And, I have to say, it’s been a hit. According to a recent survey, our customers know little to nothing about gastrointestinal health.”
One poll respondent said that in regard to their gut health, they’ve “just been eating dairy and white bread and calling it a day.”
While Squatty Potty’s new diet simply recommends “eating more beans” and “maybe chugging a coffee or something? See where that gets you?” – it has made a world of difference to their customers.
“I haven’t pooped like that in a decade,” avid Squatty Potter consumer, Andrew Nichols, told reporters. “I didn’t realize what I ate affected my digestive system! I thought I just needed to sit on the toilet with my knees tucked into my chest for, like, two to three hours.”
Another customer, Andrea Wallis, added, “It’s great! The only thing is now I have a Squatty Potty in my bathroom, and a pantry filled to the brim with beans. So my friends who come over know I’m, like, really pooping. It’s still worth it, though!”
At press time, the starting price for this “product” was $49.99 and it was flying off the shelves, along with copious amounts of Bush’s Baked Beans and Maxwell Instant Coffee.