REPORT: Sad Song Inspiring Couple at Concert to Use Tongue

In a developing story out of a Mount Eerie-esque indie band concert in Pittsburg, PA, a couple that has not been paying attention the entire time has apparently been inspired by the current devastating song to start making out with tongue.


Awesome! We’re sure everyone around them loves that!


The band, “My Brother Kyle” – named after the lead singer’s deceased brother, Kyle – has been breezing through bops with sneakily sad lyrics, but this is the first overtly heart-wrenching original they’ve played. Perfect timing for this unnamed couple to grab each other’s butts and seductively trace their spines!


“This next one is about my dead brother Kyle, and how I wish every day that I could see him again,” said the lead singer, seemingly unaware that the couple had already begun what can only be described as “biblically snogging.”


By the first lyric – “I miss you Kyle/I love you/come back” – they had detached momentarily to heavy breathe and for the man to tell the woman she was “his moon and his stars.” They then began simultaneously giving each other hickeys, which is anatomically pretty hard to do.


“I just felt like this was the perfect time to start kissing my girlfriend of three weeks!” the man yelled to other concertgoers who were clearly just trying to listen to the song. “By the way, my name’s Jake! And this is Maureen!”


“Hey! I’m Maureen!” Maureen yelled to the group, over the lyric, “Kyle come home/my heart and my soul/what is there to do when my reason for living is gone.” Maureen and Jake then resumed sucking face in a crazy way.


“I just don’t understand why they feel like now is the time?” concert-goer Hannah Phuong told reporters. “And why they feel it’s necessary to use their hands to point at each other and draw a ton of attention to themselves while the band is clearly singing a super sad song.”


Sources confirm Maureen and Jake only detached every 35 seconds to yell, “Are you guys seeing this?” and “Wow! What a kiss, huh, guys?” at the top of their lungs.


“The concert went super well!” said lead singer Friedrich Greggs. “Except for that couple, you know the one. They keep following our band to cities and ignoring the entire show just to fuck raw in the corner.”


At press time, which was only about 45 minutes after the concert, Maureen and Jake had broken up.