In a harrowing story emerging from Brooklyn, NY, couple of six months Mike DeLaurenta and Ayisha Hamid were briefly arguing over which of them took out the trash last. Five minutes into the quarrel, Mike exclaimed, “Aww, this is our first fight!” unaware that it was, in fact, their seventh fight.
This topic then became their eighth fight, or as Mike would call it, their second.
“I can’t believe you think this is our first fight,” Ayisha said. “Then what would you call the screaming match you started last week about how my TV is too small?” Sources at the scene can confirm that topic was, indeed, their fifth fight.
“A discussion! That was a discussion!” Mike yelled in response, a brutal mischaracterization of the scene, which ended in tears on both sides.
“Or the one the week before about canceling date night?” Ayisha continued, with a clear grasp of timeline and scope.
“A conversation? That was a dialogue,” Mike shot back.
“And the one yesterday about you calling my mom a ‘MILF’?” she continued.
“A momentary tiff among friends?” Mike replied, clearly less sure this time.
“The trash thing is definitely their seventh fight,” neighbor Francesca Leon told reporters gathered at the scene. “And I’ve heard every single one of them. The walls aren’t even thin; they’re just so loud. Plus, I got this super handy cup that I use to hear through the wall.”
Sources close to the couple told reporters that “seven fights” is honestly a low estimate, and the fact that Mike considers this their first shows genuine social ineptitude.
“This is just how I talk to my friends all the time!” he yelled. His friends confirm this is the tone in which they often speak to one another, but no one particularly likes it.
“Then you and your friends are always fighting!” Ayisha responded, once again dealing a deadly blow.
“I wish he wouldn’t yell at me so much,” Kenzo Hamilton, one of Mike’s aforementioned friends, told reporters. “Sometimes it makes me sad that we fight all the time, and that Mike just calls it ‘razzing.’” Kenzo then left the room to cry and has since decided to re-evaluate the friendship.
At press time, Mike admitted he had misjudged the number of fights they’d had and promised to be more in tune to Ayisha’s needs from here on out. Unless she needs him to stop calling her mom a MILF, which he “simply cannot do.”
