Talk about body shaming! 30-year-old Helen Robinson’s bitch cat isn’t just simply reflexively moving her paws when it kneads her stomach, but pointing out the exact location of her folds and rolls.
“I will not have fat-shaming in this house, you ingrate,” Helen shrieked at Whiskers, who didn’t even apologize for this bitch move.
Whiskers appeared unaware that her owner is upset about this super shitty thing she keeps doing, and instead continued her normal routine of eating, clawing furniture, and sleeping.
The only sign that she might be sorry is when Whiskers innocently brushed up against Helen’s side.
“Oh, and NOW I have love handles, is that it?!” yelled Helen.
“I think Helen looks great, but clearly she disagrees,” said roommate Mary Nguyen. “And she’s choosing to cope with her low self-esteem by investing negative qualities in her pet, which is too bad because Whiskers is a very nice cat.”
“She insists Whiskers is ‘Mean-Girling’ her, which I’m like….how? She’s a cat who can’t speak.”
But Whiskers is more devious than people realize: What seems like the innocent reflexes of a cat are instead a cunningly coded attack against Helen’s personal appearance.
“She wants you to think she doesn’t know what she’s doing, but she knows. She could knead anything with her dumb little paws, but she just happens to choose my problem areas. Whiskers is such a bitch.”
Anyone with a sense of human decency agrees.
“I just hope she’s okay. Which she’s clearly not,” said Mary, who doesn’t know what she’s talking about. “But at least Whiskers seems pretty happy. Cats don’t have to worry about acquiring value through their personal appearance, so Whiskers is probably the chilliest creature in this apartment.”
