While 33-year-old environmental startup founder Anya Thompson says she’s proud of where she’s at in her career, she also says she won’t feel as if she’s truly “made it” until she’s received a condemnatory visit from the Ghost of Christmas Past.
“I just won’t feel like I’ve reached my full potential until I’m visited by a chastising ghost who tells me I’ve been neglecting the important things in life in favor of furthering my career,” Anya, whose startup has completely revolutionized our ability to remove microplastics from the environment, told reporters.
In spite of her obvious and considerable career success, Anya claims she won’t stop grinding until a spirit that looks both old and young appears, holding a large cap in the shape of a candle extinguisher under its arm, and tells her to “Take heed!”
Anya admitted that her unswaying desire for a supernatural, Christmas-themed tongue-lashing from three judgy apparitions ultimately stems from an underlying feeling of inadequacy.
“It just sucks to not be where you thought you’d be at a certain point in your life,” she said. “I’m 33. I thought I’d definitely have been visited by the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come by now, let alone the Ghosts of Christmas Past and Present. Now what do I have to show for my efforts? A substantial positive impact on the world in which we live? Nobody would write a cautionary novella about that!”
Sources close to Anya suggested that maybe she just isn’t selfish enough to warrant a visit from three sinister yet ultimately helpful spirits.
“She’s super efficient at what she does,” said Anya’s girlfriend, Helena. “She almost never has to stay late at work because she manages her time so well. She probably has the best work-life balance of anyone I know. Plus, even if she did spend too much time at work, she’s doing so much good for the world, I couldn’t even blame her for it.”
In light of these revelations, Anya decided to abandon her career in environmentalism for one in software development, creating and selling an app that delivers you an electric shock if you step away from your work computer for too long.
As of press time, Anya had become so morally bankrupt that she had already received a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Past, even though it was only October, and, according to the Ghost itself, it “doesn’t usually start doing these sort of calls until at least mid-December.”
“I finally made it!” celebrated a dead-eyed Anya. “All I had to do was abandon everything I believe in, place the ruthless pursuit of money above all else, and become an unrecognizable shell of myself.”
