After being tasked with training the new employee at her work, 35-year-old Portland, ME resident Steph Cooke says she’s excited to discover what it actually is that she does.
“I got trained, immediately forgot everything I learned, and have been winging it ever since,” Steph told reporters. “I think I do something with data? Or revenue?”
She continued, saying, “All I know is I’m sending emails, baby. All day – emails. The content of those emails? When I can expect a response to my previous email, and when I’m planning to send my next email. Other than that? No clue.”
Steph attempted to reassure her very worried-looking trainee, Ashley Greenfield, by saying that the job is “pretty much just common sense” and that, regardless, they’ll be “learning this stuff together.”
Ashley reported that this didn’t do much to ease her anxieties.
“She spent the first 20 minutes explaining that she never learned how to type and now just uses her two pointer fingers,” Ashley said. “That doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.”
“Ashley is whip-smart,” Steph told reporters. “She knows almost everything that this role entails, plus she uses all 10 fingers when she types! Honestly, she should be the one training me!”
Steph added that Ashley has been asking a ton of “super smart” questions.
“She’s been asking so many detailed questions about the job,” Steph informed reporters. “Like, ‘What do you do all day?’ and ‘How long do you get for lunch?’ We’ve spent most of the day trying to google answers to them. No luck so far, but at least I can now say with certainty that ‘googling’ and ‘training Ashley’ are major aspects of my job.”
After explaining what she thought was everything about her role – reporters later discovered that what Steph covered was actually less than 3% of what her job entails – Steph assured Ashley that it was okay if it took her some time to get the hang of everything.
“I’ve been here eight years and I’m still learning!” Steph told Ashely in what she thought was a comforting way, but actually came across kind of pathetic. “I’ve never been that clear on what it is I’m supposed to be doing on a day-to-day basis, so don’t worry if it just never clicks for you.”
Sources say Steph has been with this company since the Obama administration and that she should probably know what it is she does by now.
“It’s numbers,” Steph told reporters, her voice wavering only slightly. “I’m, like, 90% sure.”
When reporters reached Steph’s boss for comment, she was visibly startled.
“Numbers? What the fuck is she talking about? We’re pediatric surgeons!”
When informed of her boss’s statements, Steph was shocked.
“Then who the hell have I been emailing?”
