Despite having earned her JD from Columbia Law School in 2012, 32-year-old Jessica Hart has since been using her extensive knowledge of the field exclusively to argue her political ideology in Facebook debates.
Most recently, the self-employed “writer” was seen sitting at home alone on a Tuesday afternoon incorporating her law degree into a Facebook counter-argument concerning the current gun epidemic in America.
“In every argument on Facebook, I make sure to let everyone know that I indeed earned a Juris Doctor degree from Columbia Law School in 2012,” Hart says. “I think by letting people know I have this degree, it will automatically ensure that they understand my opinions about Justin Bieber to be fact.”
Out of all 135 online altercations she has engaged in this week, Hart claims to have a 100% success rate to date. The topics at hand have included but are not limited to: Donald Trump, male circumcision, women in combat, GMO food labeling, the prison industrial complex, Black Friday starting on Thanksgiving, Daylight Savings time, Oprah, bangs, and The Walking Dead.
“My track record in Facebook arguments up to this point proves I have a wealth of knowledge that shouldn’t be messed with,” Hart said. “At this point, anyone brave enough to contradict me should know I’m a force that doesn’t back down easily.”
Hart’s aunt Avery Jones, who made the mistake of mentioning the Syrian refugee crisis in a recent Facebook status, was torn to shreds by her niece just moments after posting what she thought was a “heartwarming” article. “Before I knew it, a whole paragraph appeared below in which Jessica had somehow cited scholarly sources and even included a title page,” says Jones. “I told her we should agree to disagree, but I think she interpreted it as a win for her side.”
When asked what Hart actually does for a living, close friend Britney Track said she has yet to find out.
“I could have swore I saw Jessica heading into what looked like an office building once, but then I realized it was just an upscale coffee house she was using to browse Facebook,” Track says. “Why would someone bring a briefcase with them just to look at Facebook?”
“I print out and highlight source materials to backup all my arguments,” says Hart.
At press time, Hart was seen totally owning a thread on whether or not time travel is possible.
