28-year-old Cassie Ricks was eating blueberry pancakes when she announced to her brunch crew that she “literally gives zero fucks” about Brian and what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with and why. Ricks, who at the time of her brunch announcement was sporting a flawless mani-pedi, added that she also gave zero fucks about her job, the holidays, the weather, her bank balance, the air pressure in her car’s tires, and most of all, what anyone thought of her. “Fuck that,” she added.
Ricks’ elegantly groomed fingers danced about her face at the time of her “give no fucks” declaration. Hooking her smudge-free mist-grey-pedicured foot around her opposite ankle, Ricks noted that she could not even remember the last time she gave one single fuck about anything, adding that anyone who thought she was someone who gave any fucks anymore could go fuck themselves.
Ricks’ friend Mona Surrey, who was at brunch when Ricks made her announcement and was recently known to have given as many as five fucks about various things, noticed Ricks’ obviously bespoke mani-pedi.
“I think it was a gel manicure, although I’m not sure about the pedicure,” says Surrey. “The colors were really nice—neutral, but still interesting. And I couldn’t see any cuticle whatsoever. None. Man. Maybe I should stop giving a fuck.”
While Surrey admired Ricks’ enviably precise mani-pedi, Ricks elaborated on some of the many things about which she no longer gives one single fuck.
“So he didn’t text me back. Do I give a fuck? No. Fuck him,” says Ricks, who had momentarily contemplated getting a French pedicure at Wow It’s Nails last Thursday, but decided against it after coming to the conclusion that French pedicures make your feet look like hands. “Will I look at Brian’s Instagram from time to time just to keep up on that sloppy train wreck of a narrative? Yes I will. Will I give even the slightest hint of a fuck about what I see there? No I will not. Zero fucks given. Zero. Fucks.”
Ricks’ friends report confusion about how someone with such conspicuously groomed digits could contain a grand total of zero fucks.
“Last time I gave no fucks I was clinically depressed, and didn’t eat or wash my hair for 15 weeks,” says Surrey, still in shock following the “no fucks” announcement at brunch. “I thought that’s what it meant to give no fucks, but maybe I was wrong.” Surry, who is now on antidepressants and back up to giving at least three fucks a week, says she now doubts her new priorities.
“If I could give no fucks for the rest of my life and still have that kind of mani-pedi, why wouldn’t I?” said Surry, sitting up and Googling Wow It’s Nails on her laptop. “It’s exciting to think about how many things in my life I could start giving zero fucks about,” she said. “Gluten, Travis, and my 401k, for starters.”
Three hours later, Surrey has decided on beige for her fingers, hot pink for her toes. “File them into ovals,” she says to the nice lady. “Or squares. Or squovals. Who gives a fuck?” she adds, smiling broadly. “Def not me.”