This past weekend, 24-year-old Kelsey Turner went on an absolute rager of a spending spree at Target, purchasing a total of five new pairs of underwear, all with completely intact seams and unstained crotch regions.
“Everybody deserves a little splurge sometimes,” Kelsey told reporters. “Sure, no one really needs underwear that isn’t an utter shell of what it once was, but it’s nice to spend money on yourself once in a while. After this, I’m thinking of picking up some toothpaste and shampoo as an extra fun treat.”
Unfortunately, moments after leaving the store, the excitement of Kelsey’s big purchase had already worn off and buyer’s remorse began to set in.
“I just know I could’ve gotten a few more uses out of my old ones,” Kelsey said. “Who do I think I am? I can’t afford to live like this.”
Kelsey debated going back into the store and returning her new pairs, but she had admittedly already worn each of them twice on the drive home alone.
“There’s nothing a girl loves more than taking her new intact undies for a spin,” Kelsey confessed.
Like many of us, Kelsey had simply fallen victim to American consumerist culture. When she’d entered the Intimates aisle at Target, it was an absolute cornucopia of shiny, new, 100% whole underwear.
“There were so many different kinds to choose from!” she bemoaned. “Boyshorts, thongs, even micro panties. I’ve never owned a pair of micro panties — at least not any that started out that way!”
Ultimately, Kelsey was forced to live with her rash decisions and attempt to enjoy the haul. She considered making a special occasion out of it by sitting comfortably in her bed or going to the laundromat during daylight hours. She even scheduled a gynecologist appointment to try leaving her underwear out in the open on that chair.
When asked if she learned anything from the experience, Kelsey reflected, “I know I went a little overboard today, but it wasn’t like me and it won’t happen again. What’s that phrase – ‘Don’t go shopping on an empty stomach’? I think we should change that to ‘don’t go shopping on an empty crotch of your underwear.’”
