Author Archives for Malia Simon

‘Maybe You Just Loved the Idea of Him,’ Says Friend Giving Advice After Your Grandpa’s Death

How I Found My Signature Scent by Always Eating the Same Flavor of Chips

How I Got Out of My Own Head by Becoming Third Person Omniscient

Off the Grid? This Woman Left Her Phone in the Kitchen

Dad Giving Advice Clearly Wants to Be Quoted in Your Memoir

Why I’m Not Having Kids Because I Can’t Go Nine Months Without Riding a Rollercoaster

How I Got Around This Restaurant’s No Vaping Rule by Never Exhaling

‘There Are a Lot of Creeps Out There,’ Says Creep Out There

Skincare King! Man Keeps Bottle of Lotion Right Next to Bed

Hairstylist Fails to Replicate Face, Body, Lifestyle of Reference Photo

Woman Suspected for Shoplifting Actually Just Dissociating in Sephora

How to Create a Spreadsheet Without Thinking, ‘I Am a God’

Woman Sort of Hopes for Tumor so Doctor Doesn’t Think She’s Crazy

Woman Treats Herself to Underwear That Isn’t Disintegrating at the Seams

How to Buy New Groceries Without Revealing to Your Roommate That You’ve Sampled Hers

‘Tattoos Are Permanent!’ Says Mom With Children

QUIZ: Is He Quiet and Mysterious or Just Obeying the Laws of the Library?

Vogue Alert! Woman’s Landlord Came to Her House and Asked Her 73 Questions