Author Archives for Malia Simon

‘It’s Probably My ADHD,’ Says Woman Referring to Deep, Insurmountable Well of Sadness

‘We’re All a Little Gay,’ Says Woman Who is a Lot Gay

Woman in Fight-or-Flight for Entirety of Haircut

‘It’s Spooky Season’ Says Woman Just Talking About Life

Woman Somehow Feeling the Need to Convince Friend to Buy Useless Makeup Item She Just Purchased

Not Again! Friend’s Long Story Actually an Ad for TikTok Shop

REPORT: Coffee Text More Embarrassing Than Drunk Text

‘Sorry, Just Now Seeing This!’ Says God to Universe’s Prayers for Mercy

‘Maybe You Just Loved the Idea of Him,’ Says Friend Giving Advice After Your Grandpa’s Death

How I Found My Signature Scent by Always Eating the Same Flavor of Chips

How I Got Out of My Own Head by Becoming Third Person Omniscient

Off the Grid? This Woman Left Her Phone in the Kitchen

Dad Giving Advice Clearly Wants to Be Quoted in Your Memoir

Why I’m Not Having Kids Because I Can’t Go Nine Months Without Riding a Rollercoaster

How I Got Around This Restaurant’s No Vaping Rule by Never Exhaling

‘There Are a Lot of Creeps Out There,’ Says Creep Out There

Skincare King! Man Keeps Bottle of Lotion Right Next to Bed

Hairstylist Fails to Replicate Face, Body, Lifestyle of Reference Photo

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