Yesterday, I was mid-puff of my brand new raspberry-pizazz-flavored vape when I noticed a fatal “NO VAPING” sign hanging inside the restaurant I was in. But just as I’ve always said, where there is a rule, there is always a loophole. That’s right – the authoritarian overlords over at Olive Garden said I couldn’t exhale smoke, but they never said I couldn’t inhale it. So, flying under the radar of the so-called “expertly trained” waiters, I cleverly skirted the no vaping rule by taking in a puff and then cutting off the second half of my breathing pattern.
Most people don’t know this, but the only-inhale method is actually one of the easiest ways to secretly vape in public. All it takes is having iron-steeled lungs from years of nicotine abuse and not being afraid to break a few social norms.
You might be wondering how I avoided the suspicious eyes of my friend group – and indeed I was half-expecting them to start to wonder why I wasn’t speaking or eating – but much to my surprise they didn’t even seem to notice. To be honest, at a certain point, I kind of started to wish they would notice. Instead, their conversation seemed to keep its normal, cheerful rapport, if not even more cheerful than when I was a regular contributor!
What the fuck!
At one point, my friend Jonas asked me if I wanted some breadsticks, to which I responded with a purple-faced stare, and all he said was: “Whatever, more for us I guess!”
This definitely doesn’t make a girl feel super secure in her friend group, but even then I didn’t dare exhale and give myself up. I mean, what was the alternative there? Reveal myself as a public vaper and have them handcuff and arrest me right there in the Olive Garden? No thank you!
I actually almost made it to the end of dinner until the check arrived when suddenly my friends began to look more into my silence.
“Hey can you Venmo me $7.65? Wait, are you not breathing right now?” Jonas said, and I was finally forced to let out the cloud, bit by bit, the color and life slowly returning to my face. But at least by the end of it my friends seemed downright stunned by my commitment, especially my friend Kendra, who had apparently been vaping openly at the table the entire time.