REPORT: Your Anxiety Is Right and You Will Die When You Walk Into That Party

A new anxiety disorder study at Yale University has been released, and researchers have found that your anxiety is actually correct and something really bad is going to happen at that party you don’t want to go to, that thing being death.


“Anxiety is a survival tool,” Dr. Paloma Carpenter, Head Researcher of Psychology, said. “It’s your brain telling you to be on high alert when you’re faced with a possible threat. Which you should be, because someone is holding a big baseball bat behind the front door of that party you got invited to, waiting to strike.”


Other researchers have discussed the results of the study as well, and all of them came to the same conclusion.


“Yeah, they’re going to kill you for sure,” Ingrid Fukuyama, Associate Research Scientist, said. “You should listen to your brain on this one. You might think that your thoughts are just spinning out of control, but they’re actually right on the money. You should stay home.”


Yale scientists also found that while there is not necessarily a 100% chance the party goers will kill you, the other options still look pretty bad.


“In the slight chance that they don’t kill you, they’re definitely going to laugh at you,” Dr. Carpenter said. “It doesn’t matter how many times you change your outfit. There’s just something innately wrong with you that everyone will pick up on. Good job for thinking ahead, though. You’re so smart!”


Experts have found that whenever your body activates its fight-or-flight response, it’s always because something is about to threaten or kill you. It’s never actually because humans have evolved to keep this function past hunger-gatherer times and through multiple industrial revolutions.



“It’s important to listen to your body,” Fukuyama said. “It always knows when something is just around the corner, ready to kill, and this goes for job interviews and first dates too. If you’re feeling nervous before any of these events, you should either sit them out, or kiss your precious life goodbye.”


Researchers suggest that if you insist on going, you should arm yourself for your own safety. “You can never be too careful,” Dr. Carpenter said, holding a pair of nunchucks. “Always trust your intuition, which is every nervous feeling you’re having right now.”