Woman Is One Quiet Moment Alone Away From Cutting Herself Bangs

In an obvious attempt to keep her inner demons at bay, 28-year-old Arya Hayes has confirmed that she is only one moment of silence away from giving herself a misguided, at-home fringe.


“I have to keep busy for my mental health,” she told reporters. “I know if I stop moving and spend a microsecond too long quietly stewing in my own thoughts, I’ll take a pair of craft scissors and just go to town on my hair.”


When asked if she thought she’d look good with bangs, Arya was visibly repulsed.


“Absolutely not,” she said. “But ask me again when work has ended, the sun’s setting, and I’m left with nothing to do but grapple with my own foggy sense of self identity. At that point, a dull pair of paper scissors, a 25-minute YouTube video on how to cut a micro fringe, and a prolonged period of disassociating in my bathroom sounds like just the ticket.”


Sources close to Arya confirmed that they are all too aware of her proclivity to give herself homemade bangs.


“She went through this before, back in 2009,” said Van Ortega, a close childhood friend of Arya’s. “I didn’t answer her phone call one night, and she showed up to school the next day with some super fucked up, over-straightened side bangs. I vowed to never let something like that happen to her again.”



Van told reporters that she was out of town this weekend, but had been FaceTiming Arya every hour, on the hour.


“I’m just trying to save her from herself,” she said. “My biggest fear is that she’ll answer one of my FaceTimes and it won’t be Arya’s forehead on my screen, but rather some sad, poorly-crafted panic bangs.”


At press time, Arya said everyone could chill out and that she was no longer at risk of cutting herself bangs, because she recently saw a video of a professional stylist giving herself a wolf cut and had decided to give that a shot instead!