In a developing story emerging from the apartment she shares with four roommates, 24-year-old Danni Hyde was going to text her friends to see if they want to hang out but is now wordlessly lurking on “Find My Friends” like God observing His children.
The app, which shows each of her friend’s respective locations, is primarily used to ensure their safety, except when Danni uses it to spy on everyone from above like a benevolent, omniscient presence.
“They’re all here,” she said, lightly caressing the screen. “The children I hath made in my image are out on the town.”
Sources confirm Danni does this about once every two days, just to see what’s going on. She especially lurks recreationally on Fridays and Saturdays, when she is trying to identify “the move.”
As for who is on her “Find My Friends,” it’s basically anyone Danni had at least a three-month-long friendship with for one period of her life, so it spans childhood friends, current lovers, and one guy she met on exchange in 2017.
Any time Danni says, “Text me when you get home!” and a friend does not text her, she refuses to use “Find My Friends” for that. Instead, she will zoom out on the map, find a friend who lives in an entirely different country, and spend a lot of time thinking about them.
When asked what the purpose of her lurking was, Danni said, “Everything happens for a reason. Do not question God’s actions, for only He is privy to the Greater Plan.” She then added, “I’m mainly just chilling.”
Like any largely-benevolent god, she also has her moments of anger, like when she saw three of her friends’ icons in the same place.
“So they’re all hanging out without me,” she guessed, squinting her eyes and gazing out the window. “They’re having a great time, and they don’t want me to be there…”
Just as God communicated with Moses via the Burning Bush, Danni took out her phone and decided to speak to her subject, or rather, her friend. She texted one of the three – her friend Jamie Klien – “what’s up,” to which Jamie responded, “Hanging out with Ryan and Stevie. Come!!!”
“She is trying to hide the fact that she is no longer a believer,” Danni said out loud to no one. “Your Lord is angry.”
Danni then realized this was kind of a step too far and reeled it in. She texted “omw” which immediately autocorrected to “On My Way!” – a fact that is independently embarrassing.
