In a development out of New York City where shelter-in-place orders remain active, resident Carlotta Salzano is now masturbating to the idea of a picnic, sources report.
“It was an insidious progression,” says Salzano. “I was having some sort of disgusting sexual fantasy, as sexual fantasies should be, but then suddenly we were on a gorgeous quilt in the thick green grass, and I looked over at a perfect heirloom tomato, and before I knew it, the only thing in my mouth was a crusty baguette.”
“That’s when I realized I was fully masturbating to a non-sexual picnic fantasy,” Salzano adds.
The occurrence came as quite a shock to Salzano, and so did she, causing additional disruption to what she previously believed to be the bounds of her sexual imagination.
“I could get behind a sex-in-public type picnic fantasy,” says Salzano. “But I would be lying if I said that’s what was going on. It was the sun on my face, the breeze moving through my hair, the happy nods from strangers enjoying a shared environment.”
“What’s become of me?” Salzano asks.
But now that Salzano has uncovered this trove of sensual stimulation, there seems to be no going back.
“I’m sure I’ll return to seeing sex as the pinnacle of eroticism if I ever get to have it with another person again,” she says. “But for now, nothing could be more stirring than an open block of Brie, lightly sweating in the spring air. The sound of birds chirping in the distance. Oh, God.”
At press time, Salzano is likely still horny for picnics, but we got out of there so she could do her thing.
