In the COVID-19 era, contactless delivery services are becoming the new normal, but there’s nothing new about the concept to children of divorce.
“When I first ordered pizza with contactless delivery, the delivery person said they would leave it on my front step,” said St. Louis resident Adrianna Muñoz. “When they texted that it was there, I went outside and saw the lone pizza box sitting there in the dark of night.”
“Just waiting by itself so daddy didn’t have to see mommy,” Muñoz added. “I mean, you know, so that the delivery person and I didn’t have to expose each other to germs.”
Other children of divorce report it has been difficult to watch their unbroken home peers grapple with the, to them, unfamiliar concept.
“The other day we ordered Chinese food and the restaurant said they’re doing contactless delivery,” said child of ongoing marriage, Jason Pollack. “I told my girlfriend Cherry that the idea of that seems sort of strange and unsafe to me, and she got really upset.”
“I mean what the fuck?” said Cherry White. “It’s not unsafe. It doesn’t mean that the delivery person doesn’t care about the food, it’s actually for the food’s benefit to not see a scene between us and the delivery person!”
“Plus I’m sure the delivery person is actually watching from a little down the block to make sure the food gets inside safe,” added White.
“Why would there be a scene between us and the delivery person?” said Pollack.
But while half the population seems predestined to not understand the nuances of the practice, for children of divorce, there’s a Rolodex of memories in their toolkits.
“I guess this has been a good opportunity to process some stuff from my childhood,” said Muñoz. “I should probably order some food now so I can keep processing.”
For now, both psychological and physical health experts recommend you stay inside and generously tip your stand-in parents.