In a beautiful loophole emerging from a kitchen in Nyack, NY, 26-year-old Amanda Weaver is convinced that her dependence on single-use plastics is not immoral as long as she uses each utensil way too many times.
“Sure, single-use plastics are terrible for the environment, but that’s just the way everyone else is using them,” Amanda told reporters from her kitchen, where she was once again washing her plastic spoons from takeout last week. “I do it differently. Single-use plastics are 100-use plastics in my home, baby!”
Reporters are unsure why Amanda is so proud of this, considering she could just buy cutlery and be done with it, but her enthusiasm is inspiring for sure.
“Every time I get a to-go container, I add it to my arsenal of to-go containers,” she continued, opening a cupboard to reveal a mountain of takeout containers that she now uses to store food. “Let’s just say you won’t find me looking for a container very long…because I have 30 to 50 containers.”
Amanda feels it is her moral obligation to use every single-use plastic upwards of ten times before she’s allowed to throw it out, and even then, she’s hesitant to do it.
“Sure, all of my spoons are stained red from spaghetti sauce and all of my forks are missing at least one prong,” she continued. “But that’s the price I pay for saving our environment.”
Reporters are hesitant to refer to this as “saving the environment,” as the single-use plastics will still make their way to landfills eventually, perhaps just a week later than they would otherwise.
Amanda has attempted to make the switch to reusable cutlery, but she manages to lose it every time.
“I can wash a plastic fork thousands of times, but for some reason, I can’t seem to put my metal knife in the same place more than once,” she continued. “Or I arrive at work and realize I’ve forgotten to bring a spoon with me, so now I have to use a plastic one anyway. It’s a lose-lose.”
Those close to Amanda are concerned about her utensil habits.
“Every time I eat at her house, I accidentally ingest some part of a plastic utensil,” said Amanda’s friend, Tiana Klein. “It can’t be good for her. Plus, god forbid I have to cut something tough like steak or pizza with one of those knives…good luck.”
As of press time, doctors revealed Amanda is the first ever case of someone having macroplastics in their brain.
