As a die-hard Hozier fan, 27-year-old Lucy Raymond was thrilled to hear he was touring again, jumping at the opportunity to maim him with her phone in concert.
“I can’t wait to hear him play ‘Take Me To Church’ in person,” Lucy told reporters. “I’m about to sing so loud and throw something so hard at the stage. I’m getting emotional just thinking about it.”
Lucy added that she’s always loved the feeling of listening to live music, especially when she’s holding onto something she can throw.
“Singing along to my favorite songs in a room full of people who also know all the words is exactly the kind of fulfilling and connective experience my heart craves,” she said. “Getting caught up in mass hysteria when an artist comes onstage and launching my iPhone straight at their face for no other reason than to feel momentarily seen is just part of the concert-going experience for me.”
Lucy’s close friends agreed that maiming all their favorite singers in concert together is really the backbone of their entire friendship.
“When we were kids, we went to a New Year’s Eve concert in our hometown and maimed area fiddle legend Fineas O’Connor in the face with our matching hot pink Motorola Razrs,” said Lucy’s childhood best friend Thea Langford. “We instantly caught the live music bug. Since then, we’ve physically harmed so many music legends in concert.”
Notable bands and singers Lucy has seen and injured live include: The Jonas Brothers (hit Nick in the back with a large Pepsi), Adele (caught her in the eye with an iPod Nano), and Beyoncé (struck her in the shin with a vintage gold ring passed down from her great-great-grandmother).
While she lost her family’s prized heirloom forever, Lucy said it was worth it to have Beyoncé look briefly in her general direction and charge her with assault.
“My grandma would understand,” Lucy assured reporters. “It’s Beyoncé! I’d do anything to receive just one fleeting, disdainful glance as well as legal action from her. I feel the same way about Hozier; I’ve been wanting to maim his face with my iPhone in concert for years! I’m also excited to hear him play ‘Work Song.’”
At press time, Lucy had successfully scarred Hozier’s face, been physically escorted from the venue, and was awaiting the status of several pending assault and battery charges. More importantly, she also found out she had scored tickets to the European leg of Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour, and had plans to sacrifice her new iPhone 14 Pro in the name of being disruptive near someone she admires.
“I hope she plays ‘New Year’s Day’ as one of her secret songs! I have such a special connection to that song, and it would really mean a lot to me if I could clip Taylor’s shoulder with my phone while she’s playing it. What can I say, I’m a Swiftie!”
