In a story emerging from an ear, nose, and throat doctor’s office in Austin, TX, 24-year-old Dina Thompson has decided to be honest and tell her doctor that she has fewer than two drinks a week.
“Water, I mean,” she added, sitting across from Dr. Hans Friedrich. “I have fewer than two drinks of water per week! That’s good, right?”
Nice job, Dina! We’re sure that’s within the recommended limits!
“That is absolutely not within the recommended limits,” Dr. Friedrich responded. “That is very much below recommended limits, and honestly, I’m unsure how you’re alive right now.”
“I pride myself on drinking so little,” Dina told reporters gathered at the scene. “In today’s society, it’s so easy to be tempted to drink all the time, what with all these trendy bars and beverage-centric events. Plus, every restaurant offers water for free now, which makes it really tempting. But I’ve been doing my best to ignore all the noise and just focus on what my body needs.”
According to experts, Dina’s body needs about 700% more water than she’s been drinking.
“It’s remarkable that her blood cells haven’t shrunk substantially,” Dr. Friedrich told reporters. “They’re functionally floating around in a hypertonic solution. It’s…well, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a situation this dire, and I was a gastroenterologist during the Tide Pod thing in 2018.”
Dina reassured Dr. Friedrich that while she only has two drinks of water per week, she is careful to get as much fluid as she needs via Diet Coke and alcohol.
When asked how many alcoholic drinks she consumes per week, Dina replied, “Oh, probably about eight glasses a day! I’ve been pushing myself to hit the daily recommended amount. It’s tough, but I finally got there. I take my health very seriously. Vomiting a ton is normal, right?”
Dr. Friedrich then paused for a long time, wondering how to explain to Dina that she’d swapped the recommendations for alcohol and water.
“Honestly, I wasn’t sure if the eight glasses was recommended for alcohol or Diet Coke,” Dina continued. “Instead of googling, I decided to go with eight glasses of each, though. Figured it couldn’t hurt.”
Dr. Friedrich made a unique groaning sound then explained it would absolutely hurt.
“Oh, Dina? That girl is always drunk,” said Dina’s roommate, Maya Sampson. “Always dehydrated somehow, too, though. A real colorful combo.”
