Bridgeport, CN locals were shocked to learn that seemingly-healthy 25-year-old Sadie Watkins died a brutal, bloody, agonizing death Tuesday morning after ingesting 1.5 times the daily recommended amount of calcium.
“We take these calcium supplements every morning,” said Sadie’s roommate, Nicola Jones, who was present at the time of the accident – or rather, the implosion. “She looked at the back of the bottle and saw that each pill contains 75% of your recommended daily calcium. She was like, ‘Hmm, do you think we should be taking more to really strengthen our bones?’ I told her it was probably fine to take two, because she would just pee out any excess, like you do with a lot of vitamins.”
Sources confirm she did not pee out the excess. Rather, it killed her almost instantly.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” Nicola continued. “She took the second pill and just absolutely died. Like, died in a way I’ve never seen anyone die before, even in the movies. She died so fast, too. She barely swallowed it, and boom. Dead. Does calcium do that? It’s crazy that calcium can do that.”
The autopsy shows Sadie was functionally strangled, stabbed, and shot from the inside by the extra calcium. The calcium then dissolved her spleen, beat the shit out of her liver, and left an incriminating message, reading “Calcium wuz here,” etched on the lining of her stomach. Reporters who read the autopsy had to pause and collect themselves after mere descriptions of the horror.
“It was just a brutal crime scene,” said local EMT Priya Mehta. “Unbelievably bloody. I still can’t believe there was even that much blood in her body. We were, like, swimming in blood. It’s amazing that 1.5 times the recommended daily amount of calcium could do something like this.”
“What people don’t understand about calcium is that it’s deadly,” said neuroscientist Dr. Sansa Neri. “But even more than that, it’s mean. Even 1.1 times the daily recommended amount of calcium will cause unimaginable harm to the human body, if it could even be called a ‘human body’ by the time the calcium is done. 1.5 times? The girl who was next to her is lucky she didn’t die, too.”
“Sadie’s eyes exploded, her tongue twisted all the way around, her carcass of a body did the worm,” Nicola continued, refusing to stop listing all the terrible things that happened even though reporters were honestly so grossed out at this point.
“I guess it just serves as a warning to everyone else,” Priya said, with a thousand-yard stare typically seen in war veterans. “Only take one calcium supplement daily with water, or use as directed by your doctor.”
