Why I’m Having Kids So I Have Something to Trade if the Devil Ever Wants to Make a Deal

As you grow up, you really start to rethink your priorities. For me, I’ve known my whole life that I didn’t want to have kids – but that all changed when I hit my mid-twenties and really started to think about what the rest of my life would look like.


What if, for example, I’m approached by the Lord of the Underworld and offered the opportunity to partake in a lucrative “devil’s contract,” the price of which being my firstborn child? I’d have some real egg on my face if I had nothing good to offer him.


Life is tough, and I need to give myself every advantage possible, and that includes the possibility of trading my firstborn to Satan in exchange for great riches and fabulous fortune. At the current rate my life is going, there’s no way I’m ever going to be able to own property or accumulate enough wealth to retire, but I can have a kid at any time – and subsequently put that kid up for bid should the devil ever make me an offer.


I know some people are interested in having kids simply because they want to start a family, but I’m thinking bigger than that. I need to be on my toes on the off chance Lucifer pops by my town and comes across me, say, sawin’ on a fiddle and playin’ it hot, and says something along the lines of, “I guess you didn’t know it but I’m a fiddle player too…I’ll bet a fiddle of gold against your soul ’cause I think I’m better than you.”


In this case, having kids would allow me to be like, “What about my firstborn’s soul instead?” Because, frankly, I’m shit at the fiddle and I wouldn’t feel confident taking that risk against my own soul.



It’s pretty much just adoption. Like any aspiring parent, I’m simply interested in meddling with fate and dabbling in the dark arts. Trading my first born in pursuit of my end goal is just a byproduct of that! If I could offer up my firstborn kitten as collateral instead…well, I wouldn’t do it, honestly, but I’m pretty sure that’s not an option anyways, so there’s no use even discussing it.


Now, as I head into my late twenties, I’m more excited than ever by the concept of starting a family of my own – and even more excited about the idea of immediately and effectively disintegrating that family should the opportunity arise to make a deal with the dark side. In the meantime, if anyone has any cute, Hell-based names for a firstborn, please send them my way. I’m currently torn between Asmodeus and Belial.