Why I Won’t Apologize For Not Getting Married, Even Though I Know Some of You Came From Out of Town For This

The antiquated notion that a woman is incomplete without a husband is rooted in sexist gender roles and violent histories, and that’s why I’ll never apologize for not getting married, even though I do realize some of you came from out of town for this wedding.


In our society, the institution of marriage is so normalized, naturalized, and deeply internalized by social subjects from a young age that we may never stop and ask why. Why this expectation for me to marry? Is it the patrilineal ideal promulgated by nuclear family? Or that you like to treat women as property? Or is it the fact that one year ago you received a save-the-date followed six months later by a formal invitation to my wedding in the Catskills with Greg this weekend?


We must be critical of these ideological holds if we are ever to be set free.



I beg of you: Take off your blinders for one second and consider the reason why when a man doesn’t get married he’s “a bachelor” but when I don’t get married I’m “leaving Greg high and dry”, and “he’s probably going to have to go back to England now,” and “why the fuck was this even in the Catskills when the whole family’s on the West Coast?”


Take a quiet moment to identify and dismantle the subtext of your knee-jerk reactions.


When you say, “I spent all of my vacation days coming to this spooky damn hotel in the Catskills,” what I hear is that you feel entitled to seeing me “given away” like some sort of 32-year-old child bride whose daddy needs to pay to get rid of her, even though Greg’s parents actually paid for the wedding because they have more money and just thought that would be fair.


Now I know it can be uncomfortable to confront the horrible and dated biases you all seem to harbor, but on the other side of that discomfort is growth, and I suggest you push through it.


Acknowledge problematic thoughts like “Am I going to get that Le Creuset Dutch oven from your registry back?” and then push through. Seriously, push through the Le Creuset, it’s not coming back; I need it for stuff.


So to Greg, my family, and Greg’s family (again, thank you for paying for everything, but I don’t think we’ll need it. Can you return catering?) I say sorry not sorry. No woman should have to get married just because of society and because she planned a wedding.


Anyway – enjoy the Catskills!