This year, I’ve finally had the time to prioritize the people I keep in my life. I’ve really learned to appreciate what actually adds value to my life and what doesn’t. And after years of on-again, off-again relationships with Dan, who was never good to me, I’ve realized that men haven’t brought me all that much joy. That’s why I’ve stopped dating men entirely and have entered a loving relationship with my humidifier.
I know it sounds silly to give up on men to date my humidifier instead, but you must realize that my humidifier does things for me I know no man ever could. For instance, a man has never kept my inner nostril lining moisturized all night. No, instead most men in my experience haven’t as much as offered me a glass of water in the morning, leaving me dry and unquenched. My humidifier would never because it’s a machine.
Where men have stood me up, ghosted me, and dumped me, my humidifier has been a constant in my life throughout the years (as long as I fill the water container). Every time I hear the air bubble and slight fizzle of water, I know I’m not alone, and never really have been. When has a man shown me this level of loyalty? Certainly not Dan.
This is also the first healthy give-and-take relationship I’ve ever had. When I was with Dan, I’d bring up, say, the idea of having children, and he would just ask me for my vape pen and say, “Sure, babe. Whatever.” But not anymore – with my humidifier it really feels like it’s the two of us working toward a common goal together. I keep its water container full, it keeps me, my plants, and my nostrils perfectly moistened. Who can say that about Dan? Certainly not me.
There are a million reasons I love my humidifier and choose to date it instead of men. But in the end, there’s really no comparison to be made. I love you, babe, you’re the humidifier of my dreams.
