People often say “to be early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late, and to be late is to be forgotten,” but no one warned me that always being on time will make you look like a huge fucking nerd. That’s why I’ve recently made the bold decision to stop being on time and start showing up late everywhere, like a normal person.
I might have missed my bus more than 20 times this week, but at least I’m relatable!
My life has improved so much since I made the switch from being punctual to being perpetually late. Before, I would normally leave my house 15 minutes before Google maps told me to leave, and I would always arrive at my destination with a few minutes to spare. But after being told multiple times that people weren’t expecting me to come to their events until much later, I finally chose to change my ways, and now I always get to places 30 minutes late and blame it on public transportation, just like everybody else!
I love being normal!
When I found out that people hate it when I’m early more than when I’m late, my world view completely changed. I had no idea I was inconveniencing people with my consistent punctuality, but now I’m committed to a new lifestyle of lateness. I show up to my doctor’s appointments, my job, and my court hearings late, and I’ve never fit in more in my entire life! I did end up getting fired and losing custody of my kids, but I guess that’s just what happens in the life of a typical, late person!
Despite my commitment to being timely and dependable for most of my life, I have to admit that showing up late to everything has been extremely freeing. I used to spend so much time stressing about showing up on time, never thinking about my own needs. But now, I sometimes won’t even show up at all.
This year alone, I’ve missed all of my best friends’ birthday parties and weddings because I simply lost track of time, but I know they don’t blame me for it because they probably would’ve done the same thing!
Nothing screams “normal” like neglecting every important relationship in your life until they inevitably disintegrate into nothingness!
It’s safe to say that I’m definitely never showing up on time for anything again, and if there’s anyone out there reading this who also arrives to everything exactly when they’re supposed to, give it fucking a rest! You’re super weird for that. Try being normal for once and being late — everyone will thank you for it!
