White Bedspreads That Say, ‘Our Sex is Very Neat’

Giving a tour of the new apartment, but worried that old rumor that you and your man regularly engage in rowdy, messy, devil-may-care lovemaking might resurface? Sounds like it’s time to invest in a clean white comforter that says, “Our sex leaves no trace.” Those smug acquaintances won’t be so smug anymore—they know that only the tidiest sex-havers would dare buy such an easily stainable blanket. Good for you! Here are four we like:



  1. This White Comforter


This fresh comforter clearly has no stains or rips in it. All your friends will wonder how you are able to keep everything so clean. Before you know it, you’ll be the “tame sex-haver” of the group! They will assume that you never have such wild sex that you have to wash everything, right down to the mattress pad. And just like that, you’re in the clear.


  1. This Other White Comforter

Bed2 (2)

The lovely comforter before you is a refreshing way to simplify your bedroom décor and make it crystal clear that your lovemaking is v-a-n-i-l-l-a. It’s on the pricey side, so it will also give the impression that you never try anything new ever. Compliment your new virginal white bedclothes with a few colorful throw pillows like you see here to imply that you may be open to stuff one day, but certainly not now.


  1. This White Bedspread


This bedspread is so crisp and clean, no fool would believe that anyone has ever had sex on it. If anything, two people just lay there on their backs, not moving a muscle. Literally, like dead bodies. It’s a perfect way to make the world think that nothing fun ever happens in your bed. Score!



  1. This White Duvet


Plain white furniture has a way of making even a tired old room look sharp. You might as well tuck in the corners, because there is absolutely no chance of this baby being ruined! What an excellent assumption for people to come away with after leaving your meticulous fuck chamber.


Well, there you have it! Crush those embarrassing rumors of your fulfilling sex life, and keep your creepy lovemaking in your tricked-out sex closet, where it belongs.